dhamira

2009-05-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

long time.

2009-05-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

you know what i just found out? that the hey day was playing with this providence last night. in greeley. and i wasn't there. i was ten minutes away from this providence the entire day and i had no idea. i'm a brilliant person, and i should probably be shot right now. okay, not really. that's a tad extreme, yeah? yeah, i thought so too. so anyways, that's not really the point here. what is my point, you ask? well, i'm not too sure. i'm just gonna ramble on for a while until i come up with something to actually talk about that doesn't involve noodles, tea, or anything like that. yeah, i know, right, you should be proud of me now. anyways.. moving on.. so hey. what's up? wow, sorry. if you're still reading this, i have to wonder if you have a life. oh, i don't have one, though, so i shouldn't talk. this summer i'm going to attempt to maybe get a life though. OH THIS SUMMER!

this summer, i'm hoping to do some benefit shows. no, wait. i'm going to do some benefit shows. it's going to happen. i'm hoping to have one or two a month. they're all going to benefit invisible children, and maybe one or two for free the slaves. but that's still up in the air. invisible children is where it's at, though. or, wait. maybe some for free the dalit. because, you know. i'm sort of an india fanatic. all the time, really? sometimes i just need to tell myself to stop with the india. but thn i try and it doesn't really work, so i give that up pretty quickly. that's not the point here, though. the point is. one of those three organizations is what the shows are benefitting. so yeah. i'm gonna make sure not to completely pull my hair out over these shows. i mean, yes, i'll doctor them and make them as ridiculously over thought as they always are, but i'm determined not to stress myself out to unimaginable lengths this year. because, you know.. i tried that last year... and it didn't work too well for me, to be completely honest with you! so yeah. i'm not gonna do that anymore. well, i'll try not to. we'll see if that actually happens. ;D

but the point of thaaaat. was to say that if you live in colorado and you're in a band... comment or message me. i'd love to have you play a show? yeah. that would be awesome.

2008-12-23T15:57:00.000-08:00

so it's nearing one am as i write this blog, but i probably won't post it until... eh.. later today. much later today - at least eight hours later. i honestly have no clue what this is going to be about, i guess just updating people and whatnot on my life currently. so here we go...

so the play that i whored out everywhere, the hunchback of notre dame goes west, is finished, and it's a bittersweet goodbye, i guess. i had a part that i didn't necessarily love - but you thankfully couldn't tell while i was onstage - but i dealt with it. i almost passed out before friday night's show due to exhaustion and vertigo, and again on saturday due to pain. but i was able to pull it together before i went onstage. it was just hell offstage for me, laying in the back of the sanctuary, not moving until i absolutely had to. and in the dressing room? well, i definitely looked like i had died... but oh well. i'm exciting to start the actual hunchback of notre dame now, and i'm also super excited that acts has a building now! acts will stay alive for my senior year :]

i'm slowly sorta planning an acoustic show...? sorta.

so, for those of you who haven't read my bulletins lately (namely the one entitled i feel like death) let me explain to you that i am not dying anymore. i was pretty sick from thursday to monday morning, and i wasn't sure what it was. a combination of the flu, a cold, strep, and my neck was acting up again from when i was an idiot back in may. but don't worry, anyone. i'm alive and well now. medicine (and pain killers as the acts group found out the other weekend) looooves my body.

i'm currently listening to panic at the disco's first cd, a fever you can't sweat out, as i write this. and i must say that it is probably one of my top five albums that i own. i listen to it at least once a day - and i am never ceased to be amazed and ryan ross's lyrics and brendon urie's smooth as butter voice. (mm, yes please...) i was really, really disappointed in their second album, so much that i will never go to see them live because of it. it just wasn't panic at the disco. the one song that i like on it isn't even because it sounds like them - because it doesn't. i like just the lyrics, and it's a soothing song. (when the day met the night).

oh, and i just saw the music video for gives you hell by the all american rejects. let me tell you, I LOVED it. it entertained me to no end for the whole like... three minutes that it played. it was great, and i won't lie - it had me giggling like a little eleven year old girl watching prince caspian.

another one of my favorite bands is something corporate (big surprise, right? no one was expecting andrew mcmahon's amazing skills to be on my favorites list. note the sarcasm.) and i am constantly in awe of his lyrics. i adore him, and let me tell you, the chance to write with mr. mcmahon? i would die right then and there. i can see it now....

andrew : hello.

kj : -inhale-

andrew : hello?

kj : -pass out-

yeah, that's basically how it would go down with either him, jon foreman, hayley williams, or jeremy davis. oh, and stephen christian. don't get me started on those four... i'm such a music geek.

i could be terribly cliche and say that music is my life. it is, to an extent, but there are other things in live i love more than amazing music that you just have to dance and sing to, no matter where or what time it is. (panic at the disco's first cd being some of that music.) taking pictures of my friends is one of those things. getting that perfect angle at a rock show is a natural high for me - even though i personally think i suck at photography. there are few things i love more than adventures with my best friends. i've found that while you are trying to get somewhere you have never been before, if you get lost and you're with friends, that's okay, because, sometimes, you might run into something you never would have seen before.

i suppose you could say i have a mild fear or disorganization. i would not go as far as to say i have a obsessive compulsive disorder (though, funny enough, i have been tested for it before..), but if i was even an ounce more neurotic than i am at this point in time, it might very well turn into that. so i suppose i have to keep an eye on that so i don't turn into some obsessive creep as an old woman. i organize everything i can in my room alphabetically, and if it isn't alphabetical.... well, let's just say i've flipped and hyperventilated about it before. but that's besides the point - cause that was one time and there were about ten people scrutinizing my room...

but i'm not the type of person who schedules out everything and i refuse to do anything not on my list. i'm not that kind of organized. if i do have a schedule (people don't buy me day planners anymore..), and something is on it, it will get done. no matter what spontaneous ideas present themselves, priorities come first. and my friends are at the top of that list.

they are the family that i can come to for anything. so, let's say, for example, that someone was giving one of my friends a hard time for something. i don't let that fly. i never do. you break their heart, i'll break your face, to be terribly cliche. but, basically, what this means is that if you are doing something i don't really like to one of my friends, i'll tell you as much, and from there, you better stop doing that, for your benefit, not mine. i see no problem in hunting up all of your records and blackmailing you. my sister doesn't work for the police department for nothing.

but while i love everyone here in colorado... i honestly can't wait to leave, at least leave this small town berthoud that i live in. it's really not all it's cracked up to be. call me a cynic or whatever you want to, but i see this place for what it really is in my eyes. it's a dirty city filled with a whole bunch of crap that i would never want to deal with. it seems like almost everyone there is dysfunctional or fake in some way or another.

whatever.

i need to go to sleep now.

2008-11-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

I can tolerate a lot of things. I can deal with people who sniff constantly, even though that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I can deal with birds, even though I can honestly say that I am deathly afraid of them. I can deal with idiotic people asking me my name every time I see them. I can deal with obnoxious little 12 year olds following me around. I can deal with the band POD, no matter how much I hate their music. On the flip side of that, there are a lot of things I cannot deal with. These are things such as people being jerks to my friends, boats, screaming music, and too much stress.

Tolerance today is something totally different than it used to be. Did you know that 25% of college students will not say that what Hitler did was wrong? They're tolerating stuff like that. We all are. We compromise and say "yeah, that's fine, as long as it's not hurting us." Compromise with too many things CANNOT work! Think of it this way : you're standing with a friend in the middle of Nebraska, aka, nowhere. you're trying to get north, to south dakota. but both you and your friend have conflicting ideas on which way is north. one of you is going to be wrong.

ok, that was an awful illustration.

but the point of it is this : it does NOT matter what you believe, unless it's right. take christianity for example. some "christians" may say that jesus is a light, a way, and a life. that's good and fine that you believe that, but in reality, jesus is the light, the way and the life. find the truth. and embrace that truth. don't be afraid to share it. feel free the share it. because, in the end, people are going to be a lot more offended by hell then they will be by us.

2008-11-12T13:47:00.001-08:00

after four nights of going to bed well after a reasonable hour - 3 am most nights - it's safe to say i am exhausted. tired. worn out. no matter how you'd like to say it. ok, so the first night was my own fault, i will admit that much, i couldn't put a book down. i should really learn NOT to start reading a book when i only have a few chapters left after one in the morning. but the other three nights have been a mixture of finishing papers due the next morning, writing music, and brainstorming ideas for things. (by myself, would that still count as brainstorming?) and, honestly, i'm in a broken place right now. but i wanted to blog a bit today on a topic that's been going through my mind a lot, lately.

really and truly following jesus christ.

i'm not a fan of being hypocritical, so let me tell you right out front that i am not casting judgment on anyone via this post, and that i find it very difficult to follow christ some days. with that being said, let's begin.

"there's gotta be more to life." how many times have the human race said or thought that phrase? well, for me personally, i have thought it too many times to remember - or count, for that matter. so multiply that times 6 billion, and then again by 2,000. (i'm not really up to doing the math right now, so if you got the answer, good for you!!) there has to be more to today's youth than watching hannah montana, trying to have hair like audrey kitching, and listening to chris brown or fall out boy. (or for you indie kids out there, insert a band name that NO ONE has ever heard of before. ever.) i'm not dissing any of the people i mentioned. i think audrey's hair is cool, if you want to have hot pink hair, go for it! i'm not against chris brown, nothing wrong with listening to him. i even have a few fall out boy songs on my itunes, as well as some songs from some bands that 99% of people have never heard of before. i'm just saying that today's culture is SO hung up on things like that, and when you really stop and examine your life - unless you're walking with god - you will say "there's gotta be more to life." i guarantee it.

so many think that if they have a certain thing, they will be happy and satisfied. i have thought this, you have thought this. everyone has thought this. "if i just lose twelve more pounds, i will be happy." does that sound familiar? what about "as soon as i get an ipod, my life will be complete."? but really, thhe only thing that will satisfy us is god and his peace. and love. and holiness.

alright, so say you said there has to be more to life. say you realized that there is. jesus christ. so now you're a follower of jesus. but here's the thing. to be a follower of jesus, you have to pick up a cross and follow him, which is what we should do. but does every christian do that? no. a lot of christians live a "i-don't-want-to-do-anything-crazy-for-christ-because-i-don't-want-to-fall" life. let me tell you, doing crazy things for christ is scary. you will be ridiculed, you will be persecuted. people will give you funny looks. but it's completely worth it. god does not guarantee that every time you do something crazy, it will be a success, but if we start to falter, all we need to do it reach up and take god's hand. and then you hold on tight. he won't let you fall.

so now you're holding onto god's hand and letting him help you in your weakness. so now, it's time to do something crazy. but to do something crazy, you need to know that your soul is alive. we are living beings. well, obviously, right? we're breathing. i'm typing this blog, you're reading it. WE ARE ALIVE! but that's not really what i mean. i mean our souls are alive. we are spiritual beings. and once we choose to follow christ, that sparks the flame in our spiritual soul . and let me tell you, revival begins with christians who are ALIVE. revival begins with christians who have had a spark in their soul turn into a flame, ready to overflow into other people.

yeah, it's weird. but as christians, we are weird when we are supposed to fit in. but on the flip side of that, we fit in when we should be standing out. so what's the answer? following jesus christ with EVERYTHING we have. and not being afraid to do so.

2008-10-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

ok. i seriously think i have the best friends (from church) in the world. let me ramble about some of them before i get into this blog...

katie : you're wonderful. my favorite =] we won't go into what sort of favorite you are, for fear of sounding racist. haha, anyways. you've got to be one of my best friends. i love how often no one thinks we are that funny except for ourselves... you know, dear, i wish our weirdness was socially acceptable. but it's not. oh well. who else would laugh really, really hard at the she-man with me? or the lumberjack. hmm, does the quote "i'll put your little house back now" right a bell of any certain memories?

leah : i honestly am surprised we have not been kicked out of our small group yet. and after last night... i think we should have been. "i just got this visual of you chasing a sentence with a big butterfly net." anyways, I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!! we can really talk about anything, serious, funny, ridiculous, and of course, the weekly venting session sitting on the floor of the girl's bathroom. i feel like i've known you so much longer than ten months. love you girrrrlfriend.

brian : oh man. you crack me up, my friend. you have the MOST ridiculous stories known to man, and they always can make me laugh. i love that you're always willing to talk and find out if something is wrong. oh, and skipping out on band practice with you is always fun. who needs a tech guy and a bassist anyways? anyways. i couldn't have picked a better boyfriend for one of my best friends. (just don't hurt her. i know where you live!!!)

ok, enough about them, now onto this blog! i have no clue what it's going to be about, so i'll just ramble about the past few days, which, really, haven't been all that exciting!

so i finished the book "searching for god knows what" by donald miller on sunday. he's such a great author. i really love his writing style, and that book really challenged me to view how i act around others (and vice versa) in a different light. one thing really stood out to me was that he kept bringing things back to the point of when we talk to others, it's almost always a constant comparing game. it's really true, and after reading that, i've been picking up on phrases in my communications, as well as others' communications. it's an awesome book, i recommend you read it as soon as you can.

i'm going to start the book "mere christianity" by cs lewis later today. call me a nerd, but i'm honestly really excited to read it! i love his writing (the screwtape letters is one of my all-time favorite books) and i think he is so insightful - even what he said back in the 1940s and the 1950s is completely relevant today.

hmm, what else? oh i dyed my hair on tuesday. it's red. and it apparently makes me look even MORE like hayley williams from paramore? weird-o's. oh well. haha. speaking of paramore, their new song decode is AMAZING. and they have ANOTHER new song being released with the twilight soundtrack next week. i'm so stoked to hear it.

on the topic of music, i've been writing a LOT lately. it's been nearly a new song each week, which is good, i think. i have enough songs on social justice issues that i could make a short ep now. my most recent song is called "he came to see me" and it's from the first person perspective of a seven year old girl in a brothel in cambodia. i played it for a few friends last night and they all were like "when are you recording that?" i threw paper at them. but really, i do think it's one of my better songs.

i got a new capo yesterday. it was exciting.

i think i have short term memory loss. sometimes i can't remember what song played before the one i was listening to. like right now. i'm listening to dakota by rocket to the moon.. and i was suddenly like "did i just now turn this on?" and then i thought to myself; "no, i could swear i was listening to charlie hall a few minutes ago." then i looked on my playlist. and apparently the friday night boys was playing before dakota? oh dear.

that's all for now :D

2008-10-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

what is a pimp? let's look at two different definitions for this.

pimp
As an adjective: If somethin' is pimpin', it's pretty darn cool. It's probably something "normal" that's tricked out ghettolicious and gawdy. Basically, you look very ghettofab and blingbling.

However, as a verb 1.) to pimp something out is to *make* it look very ghettofab and all that nifty stuff in the above paragraph. 2.) to pimp is to advertise (generally, in an enthusiastic sense) or to call attention in order to bring acclaim to something; to promote. -from urban dictionary

pimp
–noun
a person, esp. a man, who solicits customers for a prostitute or a brothel; pander; procurer.
- from dictionary.com

in our culture, the term "pimp" is an acceptable term. it's fine to use, and about anything. "pimp my ride" or "that's pimp" are phrases commonly found in everyday language in america. rap and hip hop music glorifies being a pimp. we need to THINK about what this means!! do we really want to glorify people who put girls into slavery? i just went to a lyrics website and put in the word "pimp" for a song title search. do you know how many results it brought up?

116. i don't know about you, but that's not ok with me. the number one halloween costume is a pimp. that makes me sick. honestly sick.

our culture needs to stop glorifying pimps.

join me in changing the culture by telling everyone you know. and reposting this - or writing your own.

2008-10-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

ok. wow. i'm overwhelmed. completely emotionally overwhelmed. and you want to know why?

i went to a human trafficking awareness conference on saturday. now, you might be thinking something along the lines of : "kj! you're aware of human trafficking. in fact, you're so aware, that you don't hesitate to tell people. all the time." yes, while this is true - and while it is also true that i tend to go off on people about it if they mention something along the lines of craigslist, candles, rugs, bricks, massages, police forces.... - i felt like it couldn't hurt. there is so much more to learn about the slave trade. so i went to this conference. we were an hour early, because of miscommunication and misreading of our registration pamphlets. but that was ok. we wandered around for a bit (we, being, my sister, our friend, and myself.) and then i stopped to talk to the representative from free the slaves. i took on glance at her name-tag and nearly had a heart attack. she was the person i had been emailing from free the slaves about supporting one of their grassroots ministries in nepal. i told her who i was and she recognized me immediately. we talked for a bit longer and then i went into the main conference room.

there were three keynote speakers - one on an international level, one on a national level, and one on a local level. larry from international justice mission was the international guy. he was phenomenal. i honestly could have listened to him all day long. but i didn't get to. bradley from polaris project was next. i love polaris project. they have a base here in denver that i'd really like to volunteer with. anyways - he was great, as well, except that he spoke very quickly and he was hard to take notes on. next came seth from prax(us). um, that was slightly odd. she seemed really nervous. and it was super hard to follow her. and i had no clue what she was talking about most of the time. after the keynote speakers, there was this random college guy talking about tomatoes. no joke. ok, this really confused me. they get these "top dogs", like international justice mission, free the slaves, love146, not for sale, and then they bring in a college kid with no public speaking ability whatsoever. and he was fixated on this whole "don't eat chipotle because they won't raise the price one cent per pound of tomatoes!" thing. which is good, because that is really important. the tomato pickers who only get paid minimum wage if they pick two tons of tomatoes are trafficked people and slaves too. but really. anyways, moving on.

after those speakers, they had a panel of six people and an open question and answer time. this is part of the day that got really, really awkward. so the panel got onstage and they had them introduce themselves and give a little background on how they got involved with human trafficking. the first two people were chill, and then came the guy from the un. he was like "so do i introduce myself and then give my presentation?" and the mc was like "no... this is a question and answer time." and he looked REALLY pissed. "oh, i was misinformed." awkward. he didn't answer ANY questions the whole time and just sat there with his arms crossed, all of his books in his lap. about halfway through, he put all of the books in his bag. at the end, he shot up and practically ran offstage. it was uncomfortable for everyone. the panel wasn't that great, in my opinion, except for this guy from the fbi who was super interesting.

i ran into the girl from free the slaves again after the panel (just before lunch.) and she gave me a very interesting proposal. after lunch, my sister and i split up from our friend to cover as many seminars as we could. my sister and i went to love146's seminar. i really was encouraged by that seminar because of a few factors. the girl giving the seminar was a christian - and very outspoken about it, even though she knew not everyone in the room was a christian. she kept saying we are the generation to change the world. we, as christians, are the ones who need to be abolitionists. after that seminar, we headed over to the free the slaves seminar, which was good. it was about ending slavery by 2032 and what hinders abolitionists and what can help them. there were a lot of factors that i didn't even consider in ending slavery, so that was very interesting. back to the main session room for stories of hope by james pond from transitions global. his computer was malfunctioning, so his presentation wasn't as long as it was intended to be - but it was good. after the closing remarks from the organizers, it was over.

even now, two days later, my mind is overflowing with ideas. it was so much information to take in. but if anything, it set me on fire again. not that i wasn't on fire for this issue - just that it's been added to.

i can't be silent any longer.

2008-10-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

ok. so basically everyone and their mother knows how much i love paramore. and if you don't? well, just ask one of my friends and they will tell you that paramore is my favorite band (well, after jon foreman's solo project...) and i sing them incessantly. if i'm not singing them, i have them stuck in my head. i could tell you all of the reasons i love paramore, but i won't bore you with those details... anyways. lately, i've been covering a lot of paramore with my acoustic guitar. i thought to myself the other day (well, yesterday, but the other day sounded cooler.). i'll learn hallelujah. so i sat and listened to it for a while. got some other opinions on how to play it. and set about writing my own arrangement. (is that e supposed to be in that word? i don't know.) i finished the arrangement quickly, taught it to myself, memorized it and then left for band practice and youth group, with a stop at the music store on main before band. i bought new guitar strings and a tuner, conversed with my old friend jason, and went to band. we banged through our set quickly and then went our separate ways.

i have a friend that i make listen to everything i play because she's brutally honest and won't hesitate to tell me when i suck. so i played my new songs that i wrote, and then started on hallelujah. about halfway through hallelujah, i started to really open my eyes to the lyrics. it's like they just hit me. then and there. i don't know why the lyrics decided to hit me at that moment. but they did. i finished the song, went and led worship, and then left to go sit in the sanctuary of our church for a while during the lesson. i needed quiet to sift through the thoughts in my head. and as cliche as it sounds, i think that hallelujah really describes my life at the moment.

we have a new youth pastor. his name is matt. i met him once before they hired him - i was on the search committee, so that was a little odd - i had just got back from a long trip with my family, so i was a little strung and tired. he had just came to our meeting from an elder board meeting and it was the last day of the four day stint at our church. i think we said five sentences to each other that whole night. and as anxious as i am to have an actual pastor in our youth group... i'm ridiculously worried about it. i've been patiently awaiting finding a new youth pastor. and now that he's almost here... i don't know. it might just be me, but i think it's going to be a difficult transition. it already has been. and is right now. last night, someone said "john's office." then changed it to "matt's office." which, yes, it is matt's office... but that just seems weird to me. john's office was somewhere that i could always go sit in - even when john wasn't there.

it rained again a bit yesterday. i say again because of the fact that, well, it was the second day in a row and frankly, i love it. it makes some people feel miserable and people hate running around in it but honestly, i love the rain. sometimes, it does have its depressing connotations, sure. it seems like all the bad memories have something to do with the rain and it's more frequent than not, too. however. i guess it's the smell associated with it that makes me miss it. it's when the flowers know it's coming and the air takes on that moist feeling and just the way you can inhale and know that a rain is on it's way. maybe i'm better tuned to notice it because of where i grew up. the midwest has this distinct smell after it rains. i love the midwest in that aspect.

i think life is going pretty good, beyond some of the things mentioned. most of the time i'm either off with katie or leah, or researching modern slavery. i worry that it won't amount to anything. i just find myself worrying too much at times. sometimes i'm bored with life in general. not to the point that i'm about to od on sleeping pills, but i need something to spice it up once in a while. i mean watching leah stumbling through her words and katie laughing hysterically is always interesting, but really, i can't spend the rest of my life doing that sort of thing. and i know what i want to do with my life. it's just irritating that i can't get to it faster, sometimes.

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
god, make it fly faster than i'm falling in love

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

holding on to patience wearing thin
i can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking up

and we've got time on our hands
and we've got nothing but time on our hands

2008-10-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

if there is one thing that i've learned in the past few months is that god does provide! no matter what needs to be provided, if it's his will, it will happen and he will provide the means for it to happen. someone asked me the other day how i'm planning on paying for college. i replied "jesus will pay for college." that is, if he wants me to even go to college. that's a radical concept. relying completely and fully on god to provide. it's hard. i know this for a fact. it's difficult, not easy, however you want to say it. but it's something that will get people talking. even if they're in the darkest places.

as christians, we need to be on fire, burning the darkness. this means we need to be radical for god. [if you've been reading my posts, you'll see that i've been using this word radical a lot. i'm diggin' it currently...] and radical isn't always jumping off the top of a building with john 3:16 written on your parachute. it's not always the most obnoxious, outgoing, in your face thing that you can think of to do. it's equally about the small things.

do small things with great love. as i've experienced while in mexico, the smallest gesture will be appreciated. the people there will cherish the smallest gift you can give to them. a simple move like filling a plate with a hot dog, some animal crackers, an orange, and some potato chips can bring tears to the small, limping elderly woman sitting in the corner of the dusty church. if you do things in love, you will be blessed.

it's pretty radical to do those things to the people the world looks down on. the people such as the people in juarez. they're dirty. they're poor. they look different than we do. they are the "scum of the earth." but you know what? jesus hung out with the "scum of the earth." we should too. they're nothing wrong with them! they're just like us. only a little different. we need to respect the "scum of the earth." help them, pray for them, don't ignore them.

let's be radical for jesus and depend on him while we shine his light.

2008-10-13T18:24:00.001-07:00

Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life.
revelation 2:10

the bible says we will suffer persecution like we never have before. think of the saints in china who hold church in a 6x8 cement room. think of the pastor in india that has been hunted by the hindi in his community. that's persecution. and it will only get worse. especially as we start acting out for god. why would demons bother you if you are a casual, lukewarm believer? they wouldn't. but as soon as you start living an outgoing life for christ, you will be attacked. i guarantee it.

we know how the story ends. we know that we win in the end. keep your eyes on the prize. when things get intense - remember there is an end coming.

be faithful to the end.

2008-10-12T20:49:00.001-07:00

i don't know where to start. i really don't. it's been a whirlwind of a weekend, but in the best way possible. never has my heart been so broken yet so full. i'm sort of in an odd place with all of this and my mind is going a million miles a minute and i have no clue what to do with all of these ideas that are coming to the forefront.. so i'm going to ramble on about this and see if anything actually happens.

so on saturday, i went to this thing called the world vision aids experience. it's slightly difficult to explain, so i'll try my best. you get headphones and you go through this completely interactive exhibit. there are four children's stories told in the exhibit, and you are one of the children. i was kombo from kenya. the exhibit basically walked you through this child's life up until he (or she, in one of the other child's cases) was tested for hiv/aids. it was really moving and eye-opening. not to mention i really, really, really wanted to go to africa after that. oh, and did i mention? the stories of the children are real and they are alive today in africa.

and then that night, katie and i headed down to evergreen on a roadtrip to see everfound. it was a great show, as usual, and they even covered mika. i love mika. and nikita hit those high notes very well. brownie points to nikita for that... haha. i hadn't seen those crazies in a month and so that was nice to see them. i was missing them at that point.

and then church was awesome this morning. the worship, i will admit, was a tad mediocre, but pastor tom's sermon? phenomenal. i loved it.

home and then to denver for...dundundun

CALL+RESPONSE.

words... words escape me. i don't.. yeah, i don't know. the movie broke my heart. so much. i still feel raw and torn open. it gave me a lot of ideas that i am waiting from an email from an organization before i talk to a few people about it. but i think it's going to be really cool if it works out the way i want it to... so we'll see.

ahhh.

callandresponse.com

and guess what?? i might get to meet justin dillon sometime. how legit would that be. check out the band tremolo...

2008-10-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

something that i've come to realize in the past few months is that what god starts, he will provide the means to finish. but it's not in our timing - it's all in his timing. we need to be patient and wait for him to reveal the steps to our destination. god has provided the steps for us, we just need to take them. they might be hard steps to take, and it might be uncomfortable for us, but we still need to take the steps. god has a plan.

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
ephesians 2:10

we need to look for god everyday as we wake up and surrender ourselves to him. it's a daily battle – but it needs to be done. we are his WORKMANSHIP. he made us! we are to do his work. his mission. big change happens through small steps. it's not about the most you can get done, i don't think. i think that it's about how you are following god's plan for you. because it's never the dreams you dream. it's the decisions you make on how to live that out.

we have a purpose on this earth. we cannot waste our lives.

2008-10-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

Are your clothes being made my slaves? What about your phone? Or your car? Fact is - many countries in the world use slaves in some part of their work. Send an email to tens of companies demanding that you want their products to be untouched by slaves and to stop using and exploiting these people. HERE.

searching for justice is the public form of love.

2008-10-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

how many of you have an embarrassing friend? i have one. his name is john. he used to be my youth pastor and he's pretty much like a second dad as well as a best friend to me. he's a crazy guy who randomly shaves his head. he does some slightly embarrassing things to other people - but he knows i can take what he throws at me, so he goes all out to embarrass me. you want to know what he did? well, it's story time with kj now...

so this past january, i had just gotten home from a nine hour plane ride from london, england, and i got a phone call from john. apparently the youth group winter retreat was the next day and someone dropped out. he wanted to know if i wanted to go in their place. yeah, sure. [this was a stupid move. i was still on london time the whole weekend, which made me randomly wake up at 3 am and go dancing around the room, only to crash again minutes later.] so we get there, and the next morning at breakfast, i see this guy in a to write love on her arms tshirt. so i comment to john about it and tell him how much i love to write love on her arms. my friend hannah mentions that the guy is cute. john decides to take this into his own hands.

we were just finishing lunch when someone tapped my shoulder. i turned around, only to see john and this guy standing there. i stand up and john's like "this is kj, she thinks you're cute and likes your shirt." thankfully, my dad has prepared me well with not missing a beat in these situations. "well, i do like your shirt." john left us to talk. i subtly got out of that conversation. two hours later, i find out that john and another leader - calvin - went and interviewed this guy, telling him that the church would sponsor the two of us to go on a date. the proceeded to tell him a lot about me. you think it would end there. but no. they got his phone number and gave him mine. and then that night, after the prayer at dinner, john had the mc announce that "kj thomas has just been engaged!" he's a doll, that john. but i love him a lot.

for most teens, jesus is their embarrassing friend. they don't like to talk about him to their friends, and they act as thought he doesn't exist. this needs to change. you have to present the real, non religious, non movie, non stained glass jesus.

jesus is with us at all times and he commissions us to make disciples of all nations. we have a responsibilty to share the gospel. matthew 28 us called the great commission, NOT the wonderful suggestion. we have a generation that is ready to do that. so why aren't we? we need to listen to the people that we are witnessing to. don't just shake your head and say "you're going to hell."

jesus has two primary passions : the glory of the father and the salvation of mankind. friends who do not know christ are under the wrath of god because of their sin. we are so focused on the love of god that we forget how holy he is and there is a place called heaven which is amazing and a place called hell which is terrifying. jesus used scare tactics out of love saying "stop! you are headed towards hell!" PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW! we are called to be the doers of the word, not the hearers of it!

so don't let jesus be your embarrassing friend. make him the friend you can't wait to tell people about.

2008-10-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

i'm sort of going back to my last post for a starting inspiration for this one. leaders. in my mind, a follower of christ will eventually turn into a leader. maybe not a huge leader, but a leader none the less. we as christians have the capacity to influence other people. our friends, our coworkers, people we come in contact with on a day to day basis. the people and situations may vary, but just know that you have the ability to influence other people. the ability and power, i might go as far as to say. so use it wisely.

i've come to realize that you are either a habitual leader or a situational leader. habitual leaders are natural leaders. situational leaders are leaders who lead in a situation that uses their passions and gifts. i personally tend to be a habitual leader - but i am not always that. i definitely am more of a leader in certain situations than others, but people tend to generally see me as a leader. and honestly? i did not realize this until about a year ago - if that, even. it was a slight shock. i always thought i was sort of in the middle. just kind of 'there.' but i guess not...

as i mentioned, i am more of a leader in certain situations. and those situations are situations that involve things i am passionate about. god wired us to thrive on the passion that he has given us. most teens in our generation are 'flooding', going in all directions at once. you have to find your flow. god has given you a passion. find it. and once you have it? make sure you are focused and not going in every direction. i found my flow last year. it took a long time. i dabbled in music very seriously for a while, as well as acting. medical interest lasted for literally a week, and computer programming went out the door within the hour. tens of tens of random ideas and experiments later, i finally found it. human rights activism. it's a big part of me. my flow. the moment you find your "zone", you will be influential.

as mentioned, i went through a lot of things before finding the right niche for me. some of those things i had skills in - some [like computer programming] i had no skills whatsoever in. i think of people as icebergs - 10 % of us represents our skills, the other 90% is the character. most people do not see the 90%, but that's the part that matters. it doesn't matter what skills you have. that's only a VERY small part of you. as long as you're constantly building up that character, you're good to go. to build up your character, you have to examine the products of your character. how you treat others, your view on things, and how you serve your community - just to name a few. how do you feel about those? do you think they could be better? if you want your outward fruit to change, don't change the fruit! change yourself and the products will automatically change.

we all have shells - faces on the outside. we all have gold on the inside as well. god given gifts, strengths, and talents. you will be tempted to hang with the wrong crowd of people - but find your "gold" and build your friends from there. friends who will support your talents. christian friends are always good. they will help you to stop critiquing yourself by the mirror. use god's word as a mirror.

2008-09-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

i heard an interesting comment the other day. someone said that they don't want to be a leader because they don't want to be an example. wait, what? i don't understand. it sort of got me to thinking though - about leaders. but not really the leaders that are the "cliche" leaders. and what do i think are cliche leaders?

-political leaders. if you know me well, or if you know me at all, you should know that i honestly don't care about politics. my philosophy is who cares who gets elected, it's all god's plan and his plan will be acted out no matter if obama or mccain [or palin, whatever] gets elected.

-leaders in the church. this might be pastors, youth pastors, children's pastors, youth leaders, awana leaders, music ministers, whatever. any of those people.

i'm sure there are more, i just can't think of any more at the moment.

but those are not the leaders i was thinking of when that person said that comment up there. i was thinking about student leaders. but not the whole 'student government' thing. by student leaders, i mean students who are passionate about changing their life, community, country, and world for god. someone who is willing to step up. here's my complete definition of a leader.

a leader grasps god's vision and dares great things of god. most of the great miracles in the old testament were not promised. they were dared. so something insane and crazy for god. and by insane and crazy, i don't mean pulling a britney and shaving your head or bungee jumping off of the statue of liberty [i actually don't recommend that to anyone..]. i do mean something that will get people talking - about how you are so willing to strive after god and bring his heart to the world.

a leader is devoted to bring god the glory whether by life or death. truly being a leader isn't about having the spotlight pointed on you all of the time. it should never be on you, actually. everything that you do should be directed back to god. some people might not like that, but don't give up! you show the value you place on god by your refusal to give up on anything for god.

a leader is willing to give up anything for jesus because they need nothing but jesus. think of the christians in china. they risk EVERYTHING to be who they are and worship our creator. they meet in tiny rooms - over fifty people crammed in there, praying and worshipping god, all the while, the threat of violence lingering just outside of their door. they are true leaders. we should all take after them in our hearts.

another group of people that i think of a true leaders are no longer alive. i'm 99% positive all of you have heard of them, before, though. let's take a look at daniel 3.

King Nebuchadnezzar built a gold statue, ninety feet high and nine feet thick. He set it up on the Dura plain in the province of Babylon. He then ordered all the important leaders in the province, everybody who was anybody, to the dedication ceremony of the statue. They all came for the dedication, all the important people, and took their places before the statue that Nebuchadnezzar had erected.

A herald then proclaimed in a loud voice: "Attention, everyone! Every race, color, and creed, listen! When you hear the band strike up, all the trumpets and trombones, the tubas and baritones, the drums and cymbals, fall to your knees and worship the gold statue that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. Anyone who does not kneel and worship shall be thrown immediately into a roaring furnace."

The band started to play, a huge band equipped with all the musical instruments of Babylon, and everyone, every race, color, and creed fell to their knees and worshiped the gold statue that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

Just then, some Babylonian fortunetellers stepped up and accused the Jews. They said to King Nebuchadnezzar, "Long live the king! You gave strict orders, O king, that when the big band started playing, everyone had to fall to their knees and worship the gold statue, and whoever did not go to their knees and worship it had to be pitched into a roaring furnace. Well, there are some Jews here, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, whom you have placed in high positions in the province of Babylon. These men are ignoring you, O king. They don't respect your gods and they won't worship the gold statue you set up."

Furious, King Nebuchadnezzar ordered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to be brought in. When the men were brought in, Nebuchadnezzar asked, "Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you don't respect my gods and refuse to worship the gold statue that I have set up? I'm giving you a second chance, but from now on, when the big band strikes up you must go to your knees and worship the statue I have made. If you don't worship it, you will be pitched into a roaring furnace, no questions asked. Who is the god who can rescue you from my power?"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, "Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn't serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."

Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men from the army to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, "Didn't we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?"

"That's right, O king," they said.

"But look!" he said. "I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!"

Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the High God, come out here!"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

All the important people, the government leaders and king's counselors, gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn't so much as touched the three menÑnot a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them!

Nebuchadnezzar said, "Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king's orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.
-daniel 3:1-28 [the message]

these guys did exactly what being a leader is. they dared things of god. they took a risk in him and willingly went into the furnace. they brought the attention back to god. and they put everything they had out on the line for christ because they didn't need anything but him.

let's follow their example.

2008-09-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

have you ever heard the term "functional god"? if you haven't, i'll spell it out for you. a functional god is whatever you substitute for god. whatever you feel like you need to be happy. it can be anything. drugs, alcohol, sex, money. those are just some of the extremes. some of the 'non-extremes' [even though equally as important...] include friends, relationships [touch more on this later], school, work, anything, really. anything that we spend more time on than we do with god.

Now he had to go through Samaria.So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

jesus is looking for people like the samaritan woman - people who think they are so dirty that jesus would not want anything to do with them. but that's not true. he does want to know you. he wants to know you so much. that's one of the main themes in the message of jesus. knowing people and bringing all people to himself. people put jesus in 'time out'. they use him to get out of situations and then send him back until he is needed again. but he is so much more than that. if we get to know him in truth, we will see that.

He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

the samaritan woman wanted love. love was her functional god. in the 'absence' of love, people have tried to replace god with love. and by absence, i mean, if that person was not in a relationship or what not. if they were lonely. but i've got a news flash! problems with loneliness and insecurity are not cured by another person! you can share happiness with another person, but another person cannot truly make you happy. the only thing that can truly make you happy is god. but some people don't believe that. some people are relationship junkies. if they are lonely, they will try to fix that by getting into a relationship. they try to fix the problem with another person. that won't work, sorry.

"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."

Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."

the samaritan woman brought up religion to avoid god. if we honestly dig deep into our own lives, how many times do we do this same. exact. thing? we go to church on sundays. good message. we go to youth group midweek. fun times with friends. we think that if we act the part, we don't have to deal with god. well, another news flash, that will catch up with you. we need to expose ourselves to jesus. lay our sins out on the table instead of trying to hide them with christian-ese.

to be completely exposed in our sin in front of jesus is totally and completely safe.

2008-09-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna come right out and say it. we have a selfish generation. we spend more money on starbucks then we do on missions. no, that's not to say i think you're a bad person if you drink starbucks [i could tell you all about the working conditions of the coffee harvesters... but i won't.] i'm just saying that our generation is not as selfless as we should be. and neither is our nation.

america is a pain-avoiding nation. we don't like pain. we don't like to watch pain, we don't like to hear about other people's pain. pain in general is something we don't like, so we try to stay away from it and from things that will cause us pain. we can escape pain in some instances. it's such a stark difference from the people of - say - mauritania who can't seem to escape the pain that surrounds their circumstances. today's generation can so easily walk away from church. i honestly don't see how we can take church for granted as much as we do. there are still 10,000 people groups without a church. 10,000 people groups that have never heard the name of jesus christ.

so, what can we do about that? the answer may seem easy, or even cliche. 'send a missionary'. but let me tell you something. missions are not easy. even being a short-term missionary to juarez will show you that truth. people today have a certain view on most missions. that it is about the response. but no! it's not really about the response as much as it is about showing the people god's love and generosity even when they do not want it. and let me tell you, there are plenty of times when people don't want it. i specifically can recall a time while in juarez when this was revealed. we were at brother ray's feeding center - downtown juarez. the service had finished and i had just come inside, toting little david along with me. there was a guy standing off by himself in the corner. he was probably 25 or so. he could almost be a stereotype. he had a do-rag, baggy jeans, a basketball jersey, and enough bling to sink in a lake. i held david as i watched my dad, jose luis our team leader, and two other men on our outreach team try to talk to this man. he refused eye contact. he wouldn't talk. he had closed himself off. but that didn't stop our team from trying to reach out to him.

it reminded me that the church should not be inclusive. honestly, who cares what you look like? who cares what you sound like? your background? god sure doesn't care. all he wants is your heart. that's why it confuses me so much that 80% of churches today are not culturally diverse. what are we so afraid of? we need to practice the kingdom on earth as it will be in heaven. and here's a shocker for you - there will be people of all races and backgrounds in heaven. sure, we may know the christian-ese, but do we really live it? do we use it to bless others?

get to know the outcasts. get to know the people know and understand the term broken.

ps - can you imagine how god's heart breaks when 28000 of his babies die from hunger and disease? let's help change that...

2008-09-16T08:52:00.001-07:00

so the other day, i mentioned what part of god's heart was, that is, passionately pursuing the nations. another part of god's heart is this : god has us on this earth to help the hurting. but we'll get to that in a sort of roundabout way, as most of my blogs do...

well, what's the best way to help the hurting? well, the obvious, sunday school answer would be jesus, the bible, god, praying, squirrels, whatever. but how do you get people to know about that? i believe that people are convinced of the truth by radical generosity, love, and peace, not by having someone's opinion down their throat. especially if they are hurting. because if you are hurting, you really don't want someone shoving anything at you anywhere, now, do you? i didn't think so. to show radical love, generosity, and peace, i think we should look back at the early church.

way back when in the early ad's, there was some insane diseases in the roman cities. think the black plague, but maybe a twinge worse. lots of people left. lots of roman churches left. but the church did not leave the roman cities after the disease was rampant. they stayed. they let anyone come to their church. it was an open door policy, basically. the only area that ethnicities blended together was in the early church in rome. now, what does that tell you? it tells you that the reputation of the early church is so different than the reputation of the church today. if i dare to say it, so much better. that's radical.

another thing that showcases radical love, peace, and generosity is the realization that our talents were not given to us to make money, they were given to us to further the kingdom of god. say you were gifted with music. great, god's given you that gift, now don't waste it. if you're going to get to be a well-known artist, don't let it get to your head. remember where your priorities are. remember who gave you those gifts. that mindset will get you noticed and respected, and in turn, you can give the glory to god, and in turn from there, you will display radical-ness. [and yes, i am fully aware that i am using that word a lot and that i am very close to sounding like a hippy.]

the early church was no stranger to this next point that i have to make. god has a bigger plan for persecution. his plan is to show off the gospel with radical joy in the midst of persecution. persecution is a funny thing. when people say the word persecution, what does it make you think of? someone being chained to a wall in a dirty jail? or maybe being burned at the stake? well, yeah, that's persecution, but sort of extreme. persecution can take form in many ways. teasing, writing, subtlety, all of it. but if you face it right and with god by your side, you can really show the gospel. christ was persecuted. and he is the main focus of the entire gospel. act like christ.

on the note of persecution, i would like to mention that anyone can worship god through the good times. it's easy to be content and happy with god when you're having a great day, month, week, year, whatever. it's when times get rough that it gets quite a bit harder. i've seen people in the absolute worst situations imaginable worship god. people who have had their daughters killed, their house ransacked, been raped, been in jail, been addicted to heroin, and going through rehabilitation. the faith of those people astound me. being equal in the world is not what impresses the world. what impresses the world is an attitude of peace through rough times. it takes a complete trust and love and faith in god to be able to do that. let me leave you with one closing thought to ponder.

the essence of sin is loving yourself. the essence of love is to pour yourself out in service and a sacrifice of love.

2008-09-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

as i'm writing this, it's slightly cold, gray, and sort of reminds me of the united kingdom outside. i have a cup of steaming black tea sitting next to my laptop that i'm hoping not to spill on the keys. my eyes keep wandering to the window next to me, and then are soon drawn to the mountains, slightly hidden behind the haze of clouds and fog. wow. just wow. that's all that comes to mind as i look at the mountains.

to think, the same god that made those mountains made every cell of my body. he probably molded the mountains with his thumb and forefinger, while i type the words of this post with those same two fingers on my hand. it still gives me slight shivers to think of that. don't take our god casually. he's not a human being.

After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this." At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. Before the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.

In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."
[Revelations 4]

look again at verse eight. it says that the high angels do not even feel worthy to look at god. they have these eyes all over their body and when they praise god, they cover all of their eyes before they scream praises at him. and those beings aren't the prettiest picture, are they? just take a minute. close your eyes. imagine those beings. they're horrific. they would terrify us if they just randomly appeared. but those beings are up in heaven praising god. right now. always. twenty-four seven.

if they don't think they are worthy, how can we as humans possibly be worthy to look at god? worship god? or even talk to him? well, we aren't. we can't possibly look at god and live. take a look at this passage in isaiah.

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
[Isaiah 6:1-5]

and this one in ezekial.

Spread out above the heads of the living creatures was what looked like an expanse, sparkling like ice, and awesome. Under the expanse their wings were stretched out one toward the other, and each had two wings covering its body. When the creatures moved, I heard the sound of their wings, like the roar of rushing waters, like the voice of the Almighty, like the tumult of an army. When they stood still, they lowered their wings.

Then there came a voice from above the expanse over their heads as they stood with lowered wings. Above the expanse over their heads was what looked like a throne of sapphire, and high above on the throne was a figure like that of a man. I saw that from what appeared to be his waist up he looked like glowing metal, as if full of fire, and that from there down he looked like fire; and brilliant light surrounded him. Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
[Ezekiel 1:22-28]

when we get to heaven, we will get new bodies. they are so we can look at god and not die like our human bodies would. what would you do if you were to approach god's throne? look back at revelations four, verse five again. when thinking about heaven, that's not the first image that pops into most peoples minds, is it? nah, didn't think so. the god sitting on the throne who glows like rubies and diamonds is the god we pray to. the god who hears us. the god who loves us so much.

it's a big deal to be a child of that god.

so don't take it casually.

2008-09-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

okay, so i said yesterday i would post a more thought-provoking blog than i have been lately. so here we go! as thought-provoking as i am daring to be. we'll see how this turns out, yeah?

everything in the bible points back to god's heart. no matter what you read, everything points back to his heart for the world. for example, say you're a youth pastor or something. i personally think that no matter what passage you pick to teach from, your message should point back to god's heart for the world. so what is god's heart?

god's heart is to bring all people to him.
and to bring all to him, he passionatly pursues the lost.

a tangent from that statement is this : we have a selfish response to god's heart a lot of the time. we are too busy with our ipods, work, school, friends, family, and even our church to do god's work. so we tell him that. "sorry god, can't go serve you today, i have to study french." so business is a selfish response. another selfish response is pride. take a look back to jonah real quick. a common misconception about jonah is that he was scared, and that's why he didn't go straight to ninevah. but that's not true. take a look at chapter four...

But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the LORD, "O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live."

that's not fear! that's straight up pride! he didn't WANT to see these people come to god. they weren't good enough in jonah's eyes for that! how often do we find ourselves looking at people like we are better than them? no matter who they are - whether they be the migrant worker living next door, the tattooed guy who comes into starbucks a lot, or the girl with hiv/aids who has physics with you. these people might just surprise you. they might be the people who are the most accepting of the gospel. pride is so much more dangerous than fear.

let's take another look at jonah, shall we?

He answered, "I am a Hebrew and I worship the LORD, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land."

ah, nationalism. it's voting year, everyone! [just incase you have been hiding under a rock or something] when is the concept of nationalism more obnoxious than it is this time of our lives? it's everywhere. 'america is number one!' etc. etc. ridiculous if you ask me. [side note - okay, who CARES who is going to win the election? it's all part of god's plan, honestly... but that's just me not caring about politics...] sure, i'm all for patriotism [go michael phelps!] or whatever, do whatever floats your boat, but there are limits. when our sense of nationalism hinders us from god's compassion and blinds us from just plain loving people - that's when it becomes a problem. sure, the migrant worker living next door might be illegal, but you know what? he's still a human. he's still a creation of god. god does NOT love america more than any other country in the world.

personal story time. [sort of a side track/bunny trail/tangent] i've encountered this problem a lot. as most of you know, i've got a heart for foreign affairs and missions and whatnot. even if i don't go to the mission field, i can't imagine not working towards social justice in other countries, even just from a laptop like i'm writing this blog on now. but so many people have told me this : "foreign affairs? what about what's going on in our country? it's not like those people have a chance. no one really cares." let's dissect that statement completely, now, shall we? "foreign affairs?" yes, foreign affairs. you want to know what i've got on my heart? child prostitution and trafficking. okay, moving on. "what about what's going on in our country?" yes, i understand there are a lot of problems in our country. lots of them. and really, our problems are no better or worse than any of the problems going on around the world. but my heart isn't here. "it's not like those people have a chance." oh, really? reaaally? hmm. "no one really cares." STRIKE! god cares, thanks. i care, thanks. that's one almighty, omniscient, omnipresent entity. and one five-foot-four teenage girl. i think we win.

okay, back to the whole nationalism thing. our american citizenship does not determine who we are. because, if you have a relationship with god, we are really and truly citizens of god's kingdom. and we will ultimately be that forever. we just wake up in god's kingdom, and go as ambassadors to the united states, mexico, india, uganda, or wherever you happen to be living at the time. it's like we're on a sojourn or something. a temporary living place. that's all this world is. okay, sorry, going off on another sidetrack. okay, so back on nationalism. it's so easy for us as americans to look at the world through "american lenses" instead of "compassion lenses." we need to stop that. you know what else? i have a challenge for you.

ask god to break your heart. ask him to change your "not caring" attitude into an attitude of compassion. ask him to break your heart for the lost.

2008-08-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

okay, so i thought i would write a bit about the people who have inspired me in the past year. the main people, that is. i have been inspired and challenged in so many ways and by so many people in the past year. it's been an insane year of kj failing, somehow getting back up, and failing again... anyways, let's start.

john brooks. okay, so john is my former youth pastor. the only youth pastor i've had. well, if you disregard the one who left about a month after i joined the youth group he's the only one i've ever had. from the moment we met, we hit it off. i mean, hello, he loved five iron frenzy and i did too. we were meant to be friends. anyways, yeah. john was my youth pastor for four years, my entire middle school experience and half of my high school experience. i went to him june of 2007 and told him about my recent love for africa and its children. he was the first one to encourage me to follow that love and do something about it. he was the first one to say "we HAVE to get you to africa." he was there for me when i was having a bad day. john's one of those people who is so intuitive it just drives you crazy sometimes. like, give me a break man and let me have a pity party. or something like that. anyways, i distinctly remember coming into youth group one night this past february after having an awful day, and john came up and asked me what was wrong. i said nothing. and he just gave me this look. so i told him. i told him a lot of things. he's definitely my favorite guy named winifred. yeah. long story behind that one.

lessons learned : when life throws stuff at you, take it willingly. don't rely on other people to define you or what you're doing. people will desert you, but god never will. follow god's leading at all times even when it is not pleasant. and of course, pizza will ALWAYS trump anything else.

joe hart. haha, oh dear, joe hart. joe was the outreach leader for my first outreach to juarez in november. and even though i've only known him for ten months, i feel like i've known him for ten years. the first time i ever talked to him, he went off on how my shoes [converse] were highly predictable and they will soon spread to everyone in the world wearing them. needless to say i changed my shoes after that little fiasco. he also talks about ten decibals louder than most everyone else in the world. you can literally hear him from the other side of the ifm office building. he's really quite the amazing guy, though, and i'm constantly amazed at his insight. he always seems to know what to say and when to say it. he's the most amazing encourager you will ever meet, ever. ever. honestly. i love him to death. oh, another funny joe hart story. we were at brother ray's feeding center, and joe and i were standing in line to get food to hand out, and he cuts in front of four people and stands by me, pauses, and then starts off on how he's pretty sure feminists are going to take over the world. so yes, if you couldn't tell, joe hart loves conspiracy theories.

lessons learned : don't take life too seriously, except for god's work and his children. when you wake up - remember you are waking up in god's kingdom and you are just an ambassador to the world, no matter where you are. pepsi is obviously the anti christ.

carly debevec. my second mother, for sure. i honestly can't remember how exactly we met. i mean, i did godspell with her back in 2005, so i'm guessing it was around there. i remember sitting with her for the christmas eve service and i was holding her son, cisco, so i'm assuming i had known her for a tad before that. wow, i feel old and slightly forgetful right now. anyways, carly has been there for me through the thick and thin. she's always ready to listen to my woes or pry them out of me when i'm being stubborn. and the past few months that she has been filling in with her husband while we wait for a new youth pastor has been amazing. i love the debevecs teaching so much. i sort of have to, or she will throw pencils at me. or was that when i stuttered during speech and debate? i don't remember per say...

lessons learned : praise god through the trials. people are always going to disappoint you. there is strength in numbers [aka you and god]. glasses can be cute, no matter what the color.

manuel [insert last name i can't pronounce]. i have not known manuel very long. only about five months, actually, and from those five months, i have only seen him two weeks. oh, and another thing. i don't speak much spanish. and he doesn't speack english except for "thank you, i love you, and god bless you." but that doesn't hinder my respect for this man at all. i met manuel in april in juarez at theh nazarene church downtown juarez. he was the copastor with this other man, conrado. we clicked through music. he's the most amazing musician ever. i'm convinced of it. or maybe it's just his heart that makes it so amazing. anyways, i was upstairs in the church, trying to tune my guitar without a tuner. very unsuccessful. he came over and was trying to ask me what i needed. i couldn't understand him. so he knew i needed a tuner, and i knew i needed a tuner, but we didn't know that the other knew i needed a tuner. we finally got it communicated and i started to play blessed be the name of the lord. he realized he knew what i was playing and got on his drumset and began to play along and sing with me. that turned into a twenty-minute long jam session. i miss him and his little kids so much.

lessons learned : prayer kills demons. have a heart for the oppressed - even if you are one of the oppressed. have faith and never stop. know god will provide. lean on him for everything. music says the words you cannot. tuners are a pain to try to find in a different language.

those are just the main handful of people who have impacted me this past year. a quick list to continue who else has without going into detail. i could write a huge paragraph on each of these people, but this blog would be neverending. [and if there are names repeated, it's not because i'm a ditz! it's because i know multiple people with that name.]

tara, leah, nikita, lyanne, katie, julie, mike, justin, lydia, meghan, brian, stetson, kevin, rachel, tim, justin, morgan, carianna, ben, cristy, meghan, danny, ellie, emily, jessica, valentine, tarah, jose luis, kathy, lindsey, emma, gracie, neesha, jake, brittney, katy, london, luke, lyndsey, mark, matt, meghan, mikki, melly, misha, quintin.

i love all of those people mentioned above. they amaze me on a regular basis.

....the end.

2008-08-26T16:05:00.001-07:00

Okay. I just got an email from Pastor Manuel in Mexico. Some stuff is going down at his church [the church that i fell in love with]. This is what he said

"One month ago and a half someone entered the Temple of the First church of the Nazarene and stole the instruments of the church and that hurt us very much, but God is worthy of being praised and exalting in the middle of any circumstance. for the prompt thing we are cooperating to be able to buy other instruments and although it is not anything easy, with the God's help we are going to achieve it.

I hope that soon you could come to Juarez , that the crime is very high now, but we are provided with the wonderful protection of the Lord."

yes, that's the translation from Spanish, so it's a bit off. but really, that's not the point.

So, if you have any instruments you are not using, talk to me. Let's consider this a 'instrument drive'.

♥kj

2008-08-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

so, i have a conclusion. waiting is not for the lighthearted. patience is not for the ones who want instant gratification. but god rewards those who wait for his timing, and not our own. so that's what i'm doing. waiting.

-----

Lovers, keep on the road you're on
Runners, until the race is run
Soldiers, you've got to soldier on

Sometimes even right is wrong

They are turning my head out

To see what I'm all about

Keeping my head down

To see what it feels like now

But I have no doubt

One day, we are gonna get out

Tonight maybe we're gonna run
Dreaming of the Osaka sun

Dreaming of when the morning comes

2008-08-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

so i finally found time to write about the show in this crazy weekend. that time is now, i guess, sitting on my bed, sipping some mexican soda from wal-mart, listening to bright eyes, and for once, finally relaxing.

so i got dropped off at the church around 2:20, which is almost an hour later than i had originally planned. but we were not able to get into the venue until 3:40, so i moved the time back for the stage moving, which i shouldn't have. but anyways, i got there and began to move everything off of the stage that i could alone. a few other volunteers arrived about 2:30, and the rest of them trickled in at 2:45. we began loading the stage into our truck when we realized with shock [and a bit of yelling on my part] that the stage would not completely fit in that truck. we called in two other trucks at that point, and then proceeded to move everything from the big suburban we had into smaller cars so we could fit our sound system into it. we finally left the church at 3:55. i got to the venue about 4:15, and went to check it out. it was really a cool space, lots of windows surrounding the whole room. like a warehouse/penthouse/loft space. i was impressed. everfound arrived about fifteen minutes after i got there, which sort of sent me spinning. they were amazing and brought lighting and sound... which they graciously used for all of the bands.

oh did i mention one thing? it was raining. so we were unloading equipment and stages and instruments in the rain. super. so everfound began to set up their systems and we realized that some of the outlets didn't work. so we had to get power from the floor below us. oh yeah, one more thing? we were on the third floor of this building. dear kohen arrived soon and after introductions with them, they loaded their amps and instruments in. gracie arrived next, with kc, caroline, and lyndsey in tow. i got sang to at that point... [another minor detail - it was my birthday.]. soon after that, i told nikita not to make a big deal out of my birthday... not that he listened or anything ;D. while gracie was doing sound check, nikita and i went outside to take a look at this huge puddle thing that was growing quickly and taking over the already-small parking lot. laminin and the avenue original arrived while we were outside. we headed back in and i sent gracie onstage to start her set and then gave nikita a justicia shirt to change into. after gracie was finished with her amazing set, emily and i got onstage and welcomed people to the show, told people about what is going on in juarez, and how we got involved with the girls down there. i welcomed dear kohen onstage, and we got offstage.

i headed downstairs on the phone, giving someone directions, and found a group of my crew [and nikita, he's not crew.] praying. so i went in and prayed with them. it was amazing. i had suggested earlier when we first got to the venue that we pray, but i wasn't informed that they had gone off and done it. i didn't miss too much of it though, thankfully. i am really thankful that we got to do that, though. i was quite nervous about the sound permit - those boulderites... slightly crazy with things like that. and we could have been shut down very quickly. but god prevented that completely. anyways, we went back upstairs, and i went back onstage and told the crowd about manuel and conrado and introduced laminin and once again, got offstage. laminin did a very good set, their last show until september. because of college, and apparently they're coming back for that show or something. emily got on after them and told the crowd about pantera. the avenue original was next, who also did a very good set.

everfound was on after them, and with the absence of their awesome bassist, larry, they did a partly acoustic set, which was pretty chill, i'm not gonna lie. it was a bittersweet set, though, i had to sort of be rushing around, still, during it, and then i had to say goodbye to joe and matt - who were heading out to college and i wouldn't see them again. and then, the moment i knew was coming happened. i got brought onstage and sang happy birthday to. thank you nikita! ;] [and yes, i'm still going to get you back for that. just watch out.] needless to say, i scampered offstage very quickly after that. they closed the night with an amazing worship song - king by tree63. tear down came next, and went very quickly, we had lots more hands this time. after goodbyes to everfound, we headed back to longmont to unload the stage and sound equipment at my church... and then home. finally. such a long day..

i'm still just in awe of everything. i've come to a conclusion though. that money is going to do something big. why do i think that? because ever since i started planning this show even more seriously, i've gotten such spiritual attack. coming home from challenge, i was just hit with like... everything. everything at once, it seems like. but then about a week before the show, i was praying over the show, and i just got this peace. and even until the day of, i had this feeling of peace about the whole show, really. yeah, i had my moments of doubting or whatever, but i was just at peace about it all. god is good.

2008-08-14T13:58:00.001-07:00

tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow.

i fail at life.

2008-08-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

okay, yeah, i've noticed that i've been posting a lot of rants in the past two or three days, but this is really only because i feel like i need to rant before friday. because, if i don't get all of this out, i'll hold it in until friday and then i'll explode. and if you have not seen me at the shows i run - i'm usually a wreck that day. so getting all of these frustrations out before then would be a good idea. more than likely.

okay, so people. you love them, you hate them, and you can't live without them. and it's not even guys that are bothering me at the moment. well, no, that's a lie. there is a few guys that just bother me, and they will probably come in another rant. but mostly - at the moment - it's been girls that have been irritating me. and this is because of this one fact. girls are stupid.

stupid. let's take a look at this word, shall we?

stu·pid /stu-pd, styu-/ [stoo-pid, styoo-]

adjective, -er, -est
–adjective

1. backstabbing - just for fun.

2. plastic, fake, materialistic.

3. know - it - all

um, well that's my definition.

take it one by one, yeah?

backstabbing. okay, i never have understood why girls do this. yes, i've been guilty of it - because really, what girl has not? exactly. we've all done it, and girls - do not try to deny it. so help me, i will come to your house and lecture you. but no, i don't understand. how they can be your best friend one moment, the next, be ditching you for a boyfriend or a new kid. it shows how real your friends are, i guess, as cliche as that is.

so i was called a plastic, heartless whore once in an anonymous email. i have my suspicisions on who it was, but i don't know for sure. but i for one, can honestly say, i'm not plastic. but i see a lot of girls who are. they are so wrapped up in their appearance and how they look to others, that they just don't care anymore. or the girls who seem so nice to you - and then they turn and are total witches. one of the things that bothers me the most, is when people act all happy when you see them and hang out or whatever, and then they turn into this completely different person online. that's not cool.

know it alls! woo, i have had tons of experience with these sort of people. if you are trying something for the first time, here's my advice, LET SOMEONE WHO HAS DONE IT BEFORE HELP YOU! and really, if it's something bigger than something you could learn how to do online with a video on youtube, you probably should OBSERVE them first and then ask to sort of help them with their next project, and then do your own WITH THEM, and then you're ready to step off on your own. don't ask to help run one with them, have them agree, shove all of your ideas down their throat, and have them try to change what they were originally planning for you. oh, and then, completely ignore their advice and tips on how to do it and finally, just butt them out completely! that's how you can make someone mad at you. and not to mention, it's completely unprofessional.

oh, and lastly?

stop shoving your opinions on things down my throat. that's all.

ohh, wait, i've got more. it's great when people feel like they can voice their opinions as much as they freaking want to - and then when YOU voice yours? you get complaints. you get people asking what your problem is. sorry, when was the law passed that i can't voice my opinion? sorry, i was not informed. make sure someone lets me know next time, yeah? thank you.

2008-08-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

yes. okay. i've read twilight. all of them, except for breaking dawn. but i'll be getting that sometime this week. and yes, they are well written. they keep you engaged and you can't really put them down. yes, they are great books. but i have a few issues with them.

issue one. edward is too perfect. jacob is too irritating. come on, stephanie meyer, can't i get someone that's right in the middle? honestly.

issue two. speaking of edward, yes, he's amazing. perfect. every girl wishes she had an edward cullen sort of person. but really. girls, he is a freaking fictional character. and up until twilight came out, mr. darcy was the guy to get. and really? i still think that mr. darcy is sure of a heck lot better than edward cullen. but yes, i really get annoyed when people are like 'omg i'm the future mrs. cullen'. okay, yes, spend your life acting like you're going to marry a fictional character. go for it.

issue three. yes, i know they are good books. but really? no need to obsess. no need to go on and on about how you would trade your soul to have edward cullen bite you. stop telling how you can't deal with real men because they're not like edward cullen. yes, i know, when i first read the books, i thought that he put unrealistic views of men on teenage girls - and you know what? he does. and honestly? you are not one of those characters! there are no vampires, so how the heck can you be one? no, stop. just stop. and really, don't go around telling people that you are "alice cullen-hale" or "bella swan". you're not. you really aren't. sorry to burst your bubble, honey.

issue four. if you like the books and someone you know doesn't like them, GET OVER IT. don't go crying all over bullitens and status about it. get over it. people are allowed to have different opinions than you, and i would prefer you not shove those opinions down my throat.

thank you.
the end.

2008-08-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

this is my brain at the moment :

five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days. five days. five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.five days.

2008-08-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

yeah, so basically, i'm just going to ramble. because really, what else do i ever do on these things? you know it's true. i'm a rambler and i don't ever really know what i'm talking about on these things. but anyways, we'll take a crack at it and see what happens....

so last night was band practice. i went in already drained, tired, and sick of people [mainly boys] in general, and so i really was not looking forward to practice. it was just frustrating.

apart from band, yeah, i guess it was a good night last night. kevin noticed i was having a bad day and we talked for a long time. it was nice to get that off of my chest - everything - to someone i knew would listen. kevin's a cool guy, he was the youth pastor before john andbefore brian, so two youth pastors ago. i wasn't in the youth group at that point, obviously. but kevin's filling in a lot while we're in the transition stage. so he's like my second winifred, sort of , in a way. i'm not as close to kevin as i was/am to john, but oh well.

oh, yeah, so the song i'm working on? 'this straight jacket feels like home"? it's coming together. piece by piece. day by day. haha. i'm getting a new acoustic for my birthday [one week, fosho.] and i'm excited to start putting some tight tunes to it. i also finished one today called oh serenade! which is fun. yeah.

oh by the way, gracie and i are engaged.

tagged : ENGAGED!

2008-08-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

bahh.

holy crap, i'm so tired, you don't even know.

so last night, i decided to go to lakeside with the girls [well there were guys there too, but we still called it our girls night out]. we got there about sevenish and were there until elevenish. and the big roller coaster, the cyclone? it's getting creakier and creakier. and more painful. lots more painful. going on it three times killed my back. and not even in a row! there was an hour in between each time. and it brought back the neck injury thing i brought upon myself in may by being stupid during band practice... note to self, don't twirl bass around neck.

and i have to go to band practice in a few hours. and i really don't want to. it's not that i don't want to play my bass [because i always do... apart from my nec being screwed up at the moment.], it's because i'm so exhausted and i don't want to deal with the crap that my band gives me. because, yeah, it happens every week when i'm working with this one band. the other band is fine, we're chill, we get along great. but this band? not so much. i can barely stand it, but i'm the only bass player in the youth group so i got recruited into this band also.

and youth group is always emotionally exhausting, so that should be pleasant. insert the sarcasm here. gah.

2008-08-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

nervosa*
by : kj thomas

Most of the time, when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself.

The girl staring back at me is unfamiliar. Is my hair really that color? Are my eyes really that small? Am I really that short? Are those dark circles around my eyes usually there? Do my clothes really fit me like this? Is my skin really so pale? Are my eyebrows really so odd? Is my nose really that big? And the answer, simply, is no. This girl is not me.

In French, the word for stranger is etranger. They use the same word to mean foreigner. And that's exactly who this person is in the mirror, a foreigner. She's invading my eyesight and hiding the real me from view, somewhere deep in her oddly colored eyes. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe my true self is invading someone else's body and somewhere else in the world there is the soul of a short, overweight teenager looking at her reflection; seeing a tall, beautiful woman and thinking "this isn't me."

I spend much of my life tuning out adults. When my father corners me alone somewhere and starts asking when the next time I see the doctor is, I sigh and roll my eyes. It's when he asks me if I really like the way I am, if I enjoy looking this way, if I want to carry needles around with me everywhere I go that I really have to put him on mute.

Because if I don't, I'll start to cry.

It's hard listening to your doctor chastise you with a disappointed look on his face once a month, every month. It's hard to see how he feels he's failing as a doctor because he can't help you when in all reality, you know it isn't his fault. Because it's not like he can force you to eat. It's not like he can ban you from the gym. And my parents don't really listen when he tells them I need help. It's because I go home and tell them I don't need any.

But it's especially hard to endure all this when you know you have a problem, a mental problem, that is causing all your physical problems - and no one will listen when you try to bring it up. It's hard knowing you have an eating disorder.  

I'm not bulimic or anorexic. At least, that's what I tell myself. What I do, I don't do for beauty or to keep my figure in single digits. I do it for myself. I do it because I do not know myself anymore when I look into the mirror. I don't know who I am. So I become someone I am not.

Something has to be wrong with me, I know that. Something had to have happened to make me able to deny food, even when my stomach pangs are protesting that very thing. But that was only how it was when this whole thing started. I could skip one meal a day, and I was fine. It started with lunch. I was at school, my parents did not know. I would tell the kids at school I liked to eat alone, then go sit outside, alone for a few minutes before returning. But I'm stronger than that now.

Now, I can go days without eating anything and be perfectly fine. Why not? I know why I am doing this now. I am doing this because it's comfortable to me. Food no longer looks good to me. It smells funny and tastes even funnier. The stuff I used to love, like cheesecake and chicken, are now revolting to me. And that is totally fine by me.

But it's taken a slight turn for the worse, I'm afraid. It's more than just a habit. I'm afraid that it has become an addiction. When people ask me about it, I deny it like a drug addict would deny their usage. I know that I need to get help, but honestly? I am afraid of the person I could become if I go back to how I was. I don't know that person anymore.

Because I'm not her.

That's not me.

I don't know who 'me' is.

* no, i am not anorexic. i am not bulimic. i never have been. this is simply a creative writing piece and nothing more.

2008-08-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

hahaha .
i so fail at life

but the guys of love146 don't!

2008-08-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

i've had an interesting week.

nothing too out of the ordinary, though. heavenfest was great fun, even though i did not watch all that many bands. i guess i'm just growing out of the whole 'rock concert' phase - but not completely. i'm still into going to local shows and such, because local shows are the best. but beyond that? i guess i'm not a huge fan of too many concerts. if they're in a smaller venue like the cervantes, yeah, i'll go. i love the small club feel that the cervantes has to it. i'm not a huge fan of the filmore though...

anyways, on wednesday, i had a very interesting day. very, very interesting. i woke up to my brother telling me my mom was in the hospital. but the catch? we did not know which hospital she was at. or why she was in the hospital in the first place. she had apparently called my dad moments before and got his voicemail, and all she said was 'i'm going to the hospital' and then hung up. that was a bit of a set back for me. as most of you know, i'm a very pro active person. and being stuck at home, not knowing anything was killing me. we found out which hospital she was at and rushed up there. it ended up to be stress related, nothing too extremely serious, thankfully.

from there, i went to youth group and band practice. band went extremely well, surprisingly. i guess it's a surprise - sorta not though. i was with stetson, and that was a lot calmer than it usually was/is. so yeah, band went well, very well. and then came youth group. insert deep breath here. if you have read previous blogs, you know about my mentor who got a divorce from her husband - among other things. well, not too many knew about that. most people in the youth group just knew that she had left - but they did not know why. i, on the other hand, was one of three students who knew the whole story. the elder board at my church decided it was time to tell the youth group. so they told them. part of it. i still know more than almost everyone in the youth group. and then we went to small groups to spend time in prayer for that family. we prayed mexican style, which was/is always amazing. after we finished that, our small group leader, carly, asked if the girls could all lay hands on me and pray. she did not say why - but most of the girls know how close i was to this person, as well as with john, our former youth pastor. it was encouraging. so encouraging.

thursday i went to staff for middle school youth group. i had not been for a few weeks, so it was nice to be back and see a handful of new kids there. and the big exciting news of thursday : i got a sound system for august 15! woo hoo! anyways , after youth group , lydia and i went to target, attempted to take some pictures, failed, went to walmart, attempted to find some tshirts to decorate, failed, went to mcdonalds for ice cream, and finally succeeded! and then to her house and a treehouse talk that lasted two hours. minor detail : i almost got killed by her sprinklers. but i survived. we then watched part of how to lose a guy in ten days and then fell asleep, only to wake hours later and go bother brian at some weird training thing at skyline high school. we attempted to go to some garage sales.. but we were dying of heat, so we just went to my house, cranking up cascada on the way...

and then today. sunday. i went to church and saw john. which, really, is not a huge deal to you, but i had not seen him in a few weeks. we got to talk for a while, which was nice. i miss him like crazy. crazy i tell you. but in the next two weeks we will get to talk and hang out more, because he is the one with my venue for the august show.

i guess that's all this week? wednesday was sort of the highlight in a lowlight sort of way. that sentence does not make sense. even to me....

tagged : weeks.

2008-08-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

It's that wonderful time of year again when you get an email from KJ asking for help for another one of her concerts... I know you just love those times, yes, I know! This show is a tad different than my last, though. The last three of my shows have been for the benefit of Invisible Children (not for the benefit of mr. kite. i know some of you were thinking that...) . This concert is for something different. Something equally as close to my heart, yes, but something very different.

Between 1993 and now there have been over 400 girls killed between the ages of 10 and 20. There was a cross for each one they had found. Getting more and more involved with mission trips to Juarez, I have connected to the Mexican people and the baggage they carry with them in their hearts. It is amazing that this problem is so enormous, yet it is so downplayed and many people have never heard about what is going on. The people who do know about it, such as the police, many think have a hand in it. These girls usually live on the outskirts of Ciudad Juarez or spend there nights in the red light district. The bodies are found sexually and physically abused days later in the desert. Many times the girls are so battered that they are unrecognizable by friends and family. Visiting the places where the majority of the murders have taken place has touched my heart in such a way only God could do.

We're going to encourage the people in Juarez who are doing something. There are three men that this concert is going to be benefiting, Pantera, Manuel, and Conrado. I have spent quite a bit of time with Manuel and Conrado, and I have yet to meet Pantera. Manuel and Conrado are pastors at a church a few blocks out of the red light district, and Pantera has a prostitute ministry in the red light district. They have hearts to see their city changed. We want them to know they are not alone in this fight.

This concert is going to take place on August 15, 2008, at 7 PM. The address of the venue is 2575 Pearl Street in Boulder. It will cost five dollars to get in and all of the proceeds from the door are going to these men, equally split. The schedule for the night is made up of all local bands. Gracie Schureman will be opening the night, followed by dear Kohen, Laminin, and The Avenue Original. Everfound will be closing this night of hope for the Mexican people.

If you would like to assist me on this day, there are a few ways you can do that. I need people to help set up and to help tear down the stage and clean the building. I also need people who will be willing to take tickets. And I'm sure I can come up with other odd jobs for you. ;] Please email me back if you are interested.

Lucharemos juntos para justicia.
We will fight together for justice.

2008-08-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

the ten commandments are something that people generally should follow, yeah? and everyone would like their country to live by them, honestly. because people generally don't like murder, thieves, or adultery. and if you do, i am going to suggest right now, right here, that you go see a counselor or something. get some therapy.

but then there are the people who take this to an extreme. there is one person i have in mind as i write this blog, and that person is joseph kony. now, you are probably wondering who joseph kony is at this moment in time. the informal definition for him is this : the one man that i could very possibly inflict pain on because he is a big idiot. the formal defintion for him is this : the man who abducts children, believes he has supernatural powers and is a spirit medium, and is the leader of the lord's resistance army - or the lra. .

we'll start with his formal definition and then move to his informal definition, sound good? yeah. so, there's this war in northern uganda that has been going on for over twenty years. the main reason for this war is there is a group of people that do not like the president guy, museveni. so they made a little rebel army - called the lord's resistance army. joseph kony started this because he wants uganda to follow the ten commandments. which sort of makes me laugh because he has broken basically every commandment with his rebel army. but they were not getting enough rebels to join their army. so kony began to think of ways to get more soldiers. and he thought of one..

children..

they are easy to brainwash. easily frightened into doing what he wanted them to do. children from five to twelve are the ideal age for this process. the rebels will go into major cities at night and just take them. they will go to their villages on raids and take them. other soldiers are forced to steal kids from schools, or just from the streets. it's not a pretty process. the kids are taken into the bush and the first thing they are taught to do is fight. fight and kill. and according to the lra, there is no wrong way to kill. they are brainwashed, initiated in a way. they fight until their mindset is broken. they are given cocaine mixed with gun powder to snort before they go to battle - they believe they are indestructable that way..

okay, now for the informal definition..

i really do not dislike all that many people that i have not met. but this guy. this guy is one of those people. he is one of those people that i really could probably inflict pain on if given the chance. with the minor detail of him being a general sort of person in an army and me ... well, you guys know me. short. but anyways, yes. i have had the privilege of sitting down and speaking with a few people actually from uganda about him, and let me tell you, it was very interesting. the people i talked to had a very strong dislike for him, also, and they were not even from the northern uganda area. .

so yes. i can't stand joseph kony.
or what he is doing to these kids.
get me a ticket to africa, please..

tagged : uganda, the lord's resistance army, and joseph kony.

2008-07-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

WE MUST GO

STAND BESIDE

THE BROKEN

here's something that should surprise you. i am watching a video on human trafficking! but it's not what the usual videos are about. it's not a documentary. it's a movie on it. very interesting. thus far it has shown how some girls are lured into trafficking. through offers of a better job or better work. a better life. through 'friends' who are actually recruiters and bring them to the traffickers themselves. their parents selling them. or just plain being stolen off the streets.

it's not a pretty business.

it's second only to drug trafficking and arms trafficking. the thing about human trafficking is this : with drugs or arms, you buy them for a certain amount - say $50. and then you can only sell them once. but with human trafficking, you can buy these people for a certain amount - say $100 or so. (in Ethiopia, it's $2.50 a kid), and then sell them over and over, every day, multiple times a day.

slowly, they break these girls. in india, i have heard of instances of where they hold the girls in cages that are two feet by two feet. they are in that cage for two weeks. there are other ways of breaking them, as well. with some, just the psychological knowledge of being held against their will is enough - the brothel owners will tell them they know everything about them and they will hurt their family if they try to escape or do something wrong. they are physically abused. mentally abused.

there are so many places that people don't even know could possibly be brothels. beauty parlors are a big thing. as well as spas centers. clubs could be running as a brothel also. you just never know. the ways that people have been tipped off are slightly interesting. i've heard of the beauty parlors that have been found out because only men were going in there. how often do you see men and only men going into beauty parlors? precisely. you don't.

many traffickers are connected throughout the world. a trafficker in new york may have connections in russia or in cambodia. they transport these girls from place to place so that the police have a harder time tracking them. the same traffickers who have a club in one city, might have a beauty parlor in a different city. if that brothel is busted, they very well can get the others through that one.

it's a very connected, sick, twisted business.

and it needs to end.

tagged : trafficking.

song lyrics : God of justice - tim hughes.

2008-07-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

JUSTIFICATION IS

ALL WE NEED.

so i just heard some news that doesn't make me too happy. it doesn't make me happy, at all, really. it makes me annoyed, frustrated, and heart broken, really. and what news was that?

two more girls were killed in juarez this week.

and now i am sitting here, watching a movie called 'the virgin of juarez.' it's interesting, because i have been to most all of the places they have shown thus far into the movie. thus far being about four minutes. not to mention at the beginning of the movie they showed el paso and juarez next to each other. it just makes me really pissed . it's like a completely different world, all separated by a mere river. the rio grande which is actually slightly pathetic. and there is nothing being done about it.

a stones throw from el paso, girls are being raped and murdered.

and the police force. don't get me started on them. they apparently get a kick out of blaming the girls for it. 'does she wear revealing clothes? is she out dancing? does she have a boyfriend?' it is never the victims fault. and the police don't even inform the parents of the girl right away, usually. i don't understand how someone can be a police officer and want to pursue justice without doing something about that. i don't understand. and when the parents say their daughters have been missing... the police force say that they don't know, they can't help them.

oh, yes, and the maquiladoras. every time i see them now, i really can't stand to look at them. to know that bus might have been one of the buses to drop off a girl that is now dead. to think that maybe, just maybe, that bus driver was one to kill a girl. maybe. you just never know. and i hate those buses.

you know, jack the ripper killed five women one hundred or so years ago. now there are girls being killed on a weekly basis and no one even cares. if our generation keeps saying 'we can wait', how long will that be? how many more girls will be killed? they keep saying that these girls need a spokesperson. and yeah, they do. but the girls are still dead. they are still dying. we need action. they need justice.

tagged : justice.

2008-07-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD IS GOING

TO COME UNDONE,.

yes, here we go! another blog in which i will ramble on and on about nothing in particular.

so i was looking through my music man pictures from last summer. and it's hard to believe that it was a year ago already. it seems like yesterday - but at the same time, it seems like i've known the acts kids for forever and a half already. it's weird to think that when i started the music man last year, i knew one person. and that by the end of the second week, i knew three people including the one i knew at the beginning of the show. that was exciting. london, joe, and chandra. three of the coolest people you'll ever meet. and it's weird-er to think that by the end of the summer, i was tight with almost all of the cast. it kind of makes me wish i was in the summer show this year - especially since the ihh started back in march. i miss my fellow ihh members like crazy. and i miss hiding things in the cubicles of the upper world. and of course, prophecy and devotion..

so i need to cut and dye my hair. no lie. i had it cut back in april and then fooled around with trimming it all crazy like since then. but i haven't dyed it in a year. and i need some insane but not too insane color. i don't like boring. ha, as you all should have figured out by now. boring? no bueno. anyways. yes. so i'm hoping mayyybe to do that all tomorrow before heavenfest. at least cutting my hair. i have some red dye here... but i think maybe red with some sort of highlights would be ideal? i think so, yes. so maybe i'll do that tomorrow also. just the red part and then highlights... sunday, maybe.

i'm currently drinking mexican soda, jarritos mandarin. mmm, delicious. and, of course, it reminds me of juarez, which reminds me that i might be going back in october! yeah, baby. i'm stoked. i mean, who wouldn't be? the house of cornelius is like my second home, and the staff there like my second family. so of course i'm excited to 'go home.'

i think that's all i've got for now? heavenfest on saturday :]

tagged : iowa stubborn, red hair, and jarritos.

2008-07-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

LET'S MAKE THIS
NIGHT A CLASSIC

i've had an interesting night. and half hour of morning thus far. except for watching the office and baby sitting for a tad, i really have done nothing all day. productive, yes, i know. and then i talked to zach for a while on the phone. and then i talked to my sisters for a while. and then i got online and talked zach and tara. so i went upstairs and there was a fly in my room. so i took my laptop to the living room and was about to turn on my new movie [more on it later.], when my brother in law comes out and needs to use that room to rock the baby to sleep. that's fine, i just moved downstairs, which is where i am now. but my house is SO creaky! at least, the doors are. i feel like i was very loud and i'm surprised my other sister and brthoer in law have not woken up yet.

so now what am i doing? i'm watching a documentary. now, now, most of you might say 'a documentary at one in the morning?! what are you, insane?' yes. yes, i am. i never denied that and i was never planning on denying it. but it's a very interesting documentary. and if you know me well enough, you know that i love my documentaries. almost as much as i love chick flicks. and that's a lot, so you know that it means something. haha, anyways, moving on. this documentary is about hiv/aids orphans in uganda. surprise, right? another documentary on africa! woo! yes. anyways.

it's giving me mixed feelings, though. on one hand, it's making me smile. a lot. just seeing those little precious kids running and smilng. they're very, very precious kids. as are all african kids, in my eyes. but you all know that. you know how much i love them. it's making me laugh to see the similarities between american kids and these ugandan kids. the boys are playing soccer and getting into little fights and the girls are playing jump rope and giggling. and the little ones are standing off to the side, just watching. it could be a scene from your every day recess.

but i know it's not. and that's what's troubling me. this documentary came out in 2002. that's six years ago. who knows what might have happened to these amazing kids. they might not be here anymore. they might have been abducted into the lord's resistance army. they might have hiv/aids. really, anything could have happened. and i know i shouldn't 'worry' per say about it, and as much as i try not to - the thought is constantly in the back of my mind. and not just about this documentary - about every. single. stinking. documentary.

and the thing i'm digging about this documentary [called abc africa] is that it's not too edited. it's like raw footage. i love it. it's like actually being there. and there was a part when the kids were singing... wow. i love african children singing, i figured that out last summer when the watoto kids came to our house. i love africa.

is it normal to be home sick for a place i have never been?

tagged : flies, documentaries, and african kids singing.
song lyrics : this is how we do - all time low.

2008-07-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

IT MAKES NO
SENSE AT ALL.

so basically i'm a little peppy, a little tired, and i've got a little sugar in my system. so i have no freaking clue what this blog is going to be like. we'll just have to wait and see! bahaha! anyways, continuing. i suppose i'll just ramble on about the happenings in my life for the next few weeks..

heavenfest! yay. i'm so stoked. because of a few reasons - BRADLEY frikken HATHAWAY. does more need to be said? no, i don't think so. but for those of you who don't know. bradley sort of owns me. just kidding - he doesn't. but i'm not gonna lie, he is my favorite spoken word/slam poet ever to walk the earth. and i haven't seen him in, what, ten months? depressing. so i'm totally stoked about that. and then the other reasons are minor details, like everfound and fight the good fight (if you're reading this russians and nonrussians, you're not minor details. but i see you a lot... um, yeah, i'm gonna be digging myself out of this one for a while..)

on the topic of fight the good fight - if you are reading this tim or greg - let me just tell you, i'm sad that you're breaking up. but i'm stoked to see what god's gonna do with you two. you two amaze me on a weekly basis.

moving on to more things. such as... hmm, youth group. it's going well, i suppose. slightly odd without john there, but oh well. it's still going, which is ALWAYS a plus, you know. because if things weren't going well... that would suck, you know? we've got a solid youth group though - most of us, anyways - and i think we can handle going through transitions like this. it is lasting a lot longer than i think it needs to though. some people need to hurry up and not beat around the bush... but that's another topic that i've covered one too many times, yah? yeah.

i'm itching to get back onstage with acts. i miss those kids like non other. the weekly ihh meetings with cookiecookie were the highlight of my week. and as much as we all HATE tech week - we had a lot of fun with prophecy and devotion, elmo toothbrushes, and nose goes. oh, yes, and how can i forget, the most awkward story of ALL of tech week that produced this joke... 'do you have aids? okay, you, me, shopping cart, now.' ahaha, and the looks that people gave us while shouting that across the room to each other... we're amazing, let me tell you.

here on out begins my insane rush to get this next concert put together. i'm totally stoked to work with dear kohen - i'm really, really, really impressed with them thus far along in the process. not digging their music that much, but every promoter has to work with bands that are not their style, yah? yeah. the one style you'll NEVER see me work with, though, is rap. never. never. i can even deal with country. but no rap. :[

um, yes. i think that's all for now. i'm going to dark knight tonight... at 12:03 or something, in foco. let me know if you're going.

tagged : russians, shopping carts, and rap music.
song lyrics : crushcrushcrush - paramore.

2008-07-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Don't Get Too Comfortable.

as i'm sitting here, water next to me, and not even bothering to put in my contacts, i'm watching darfur now and thinking about the events of the day in front of me. it's a little odd. it's because i'm not eating anything today.

no, i did not wake up and decide 'i'm not going to eat anything today.' it's not to lose weight. but it is by choice. today is the day that i'm fasting and praying for the global food crisis. but that's not what his blog is about. i'm watching darfur now as i'm writing this, so basically i'll be rambling on about that movie. it's only about half hour in and it's pretty much one of the most powerful movies i have seen in a while. just seeing the faces of these beautiful people... wow.

now, it might seem like i keep beating the same drum all the time. but it's the only drum i've got.
i remember last year, last spring. back then, i would NEVER had considered myself an activist - of anything. i usually avoided people with little handouts who tried to enlighten me with some tidbit of information. i was not interested. but now, i'm one of those people. i have yet to stand out on a street corner with handouts, but don't be surprised if you see me out there one of these days. hey, it could happen. god's got a GREAT sense of humor lately....

"At what point do you stop making excuses?"

for me, it's when there is some injustice towards children. watching a documentary about children forced to be soldiers was what turned me into an activist. and funny how i hated kids last year. don't get me wrong, i still can't stand most american children. but now, i'm like 'kid being hurt? let me hurt you who hurt them.' you usually have to tear me away from the orphanages in mexico.

but anyways, there are traffickers in the world. people who literally sell kids to brothels and what not. and these kids are raped by at least ten men a night. that's inexcusable. you can't just DO that to kids. you can't. but they do. so i should change that to you shouldn't. the background on my laptop is this little girl jade that most people called my shadow the weeks i was in mexico in april. if something happens to her and i find out about it, people are going to literally have to physically stop me from getting on the next bus to el paso and going to personally strangle whoever hurts her.

"A path to finally ending this genocide."

what i don't understand is how this just gets by unnoticed. how people do not see or even know about what is happening in darfur. and how some people don't call it a genocide. well, then, what is it? they say over 200,000 have been killed. how is that NOT a genocide? tell me. explain this to me. explain to me how when hitler killed so many, we said that something like this would never happen again. but hey, it happened in rwanda in 1994. cool, cool, whatever, right? that's done and has not happened again.

whatever.

that's a lie. what's happening in sudan is just like rwanda - if not worse. over 1.5 million people have been displaced. they have no home. no place to go. they have sent some of the children to the us to live with sponsor sort of families. but that's not enough. we need to do something more. a lot more. just because they live here does not mean anything. sure, they are out of that area - but what about the millions of other people still in darfur? what about the kids' families who they were separated from?

i'm not one of those people who is construction ministry oriented. i'm not a medical person. i'm not even necessarily a teacher. i prefer to just hang with people. put me in a room with ten people and i just want to talk to them. if there are kids i want to play with them. one of the things i look for in mission agencies is relational. putting on a vbs for kids, just hanging out with kids. anything. i might go so far as to say that is my forte. it's what i'm good at, i suppose. they call me the ifm kid magnet, so yeah. i'm assuming i'm good at it.

but really, people are like 'we should go over there and build stuff' and i'm not saying that's a bad thing. that's where some people's heart is at. mine just is not. but my problem with the construction agencies is this. some of them forget about the people. they forget that the people they are building for are real, live people who need things too - not just buildings.

i want to feed the hungry children. i want to stand beside the broken. i want to show these kids that there is love.

tagged : saving the world.

2008-07-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'M SLIPPING

INTO THE AIRWAVES.

i would burn down every last newspaper stand in the country if it would get rid of all these rumours. but with my luck, they would still go on. people would still believe it all and i would still be stuck with this image that this unknown person set on me. but that's not who i am and i would do anything to have people understand that. i'm not the same person i was last year. i'm not.it's like the more i change, the more un-willing people are to accept it. and me. they don't want to me to be this new person - this new person who is a bit unique, more driven, more passionate, and who knows what she's doing with her life. this person who is totally committed to following what god has called her to do. and trust me, if i was not committed i would have given up already. it's no picnic, let me tell you.

there have been a few people i have had to distance myself from these past six months. they just were not healthy. and now, different people are popping up and doing this same thing to me. they just degrade me until i have to leave this area and then have a mental break down. and they just seem to love watching me crash and burn. it's like they can't get enough of prodding me to fail. they set such high and ridiculous expections. i am not going to even say they are expections of me, cos they're not. they are expections of this person i used to be. and then they push me into situations that i have to deal with the person i used to be, have to deal with their expections of me. and then i fail. and they love it.

because i'm just the beautiful train wreck to them.

but i don't want to be. i'm not! i'm not a train wreck. sure, the old me was. the old kj was going in the wrong direction completely. but i got turned around, thanks to my trusty winifred. now i'm heading back down the right patch. but i've got these people just throwing things in my path. blocking my path. and it's not cool with me. not cool at all.

tagged : being different, change, and blockades.
song lyrics : slipping into the airwaves - jacks mannequin.

2008-07-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

THE HARDEST PART.

so i'm sitting here, watching about a boy. if you haven't seen it, i highly suggest that you do. it's an excellent movie. but that really has nothing to do with this blog. and what is this blog about? well, as usual with my blogs, i don't know what it's going to be about. we'll just have to wait and see as i ramble on... as usual. i don't even know why i ramble. i guess it's because just writing gets emotions out for me. not that i really know what emotions i have at the moment.

lots of emotions are kind of going around in my head - in a crazy way that i can't tell what emotion is which. it's kind of like i'm standing in the middle of a some circle platform and all of these things are rushing around me at a million miles an hour and i just want to yell stop! but yelling stop will do no good because one doesn't really hear things when you're going at a hundred miles an hour, especially a kid yelling at you.

speaking of yelling at things, every time i think of me yelling, i think of me at concerts that i run. and how no one takes me seriously at those things. i mean, they do, because i think most everyone feels obligated to because i'm the promoter, but when i yell at people about things, they glance at me and sort of laugh. or chuckle. depends on the person. it really just depends on how long these people have known me, though. generally, most of the bands take me seriously. no matter how small i am, they've learned to be on time and to be helpful, because they know i'll hit them. or send someone after them.

but no, it's the kids in my youth group who don't really realize how serious i am about it. they don't really realize that raising money for the places that i am not is the closest i can get to actually being there. i've tried to explain it to them. are they that dense that they honestly don't get it? or do they not care? i've seen it happen every show for the last three shows - they come to 'help' (which is more like social time for them and me pacing like a mad person) and then they don't even pay to get in. but that won't happen at my next show. i won't let it happen. they can spare five dollars for kids who have nothing. what are they gonna use it on anyways? starbucks?
lame.

and i've seriously had people say the dumbest things to me. some kid actually said to my face that there were no child soldiers and it's a joke. two minutes later, that kid said he would rather drink dr. pepper forever than give it up to get some kids in africa clean drinking water. i actually had someone tell me to sit down after he told me that. apparently i turned white as a ghost or something. another one i've heard a lot is there is no such thing as modern day slavery. well, actually, kids, there are more slaves now then there were back in the day of the transatlantic slave trade. i think one of the worst things i've heard, though, is 'kids are not being sold for sex, that's a myth.' not a good thing to say to someone like me. not at all.

i guess it just ticks me off how people aren't more compassionate. sure, not everyone has the heart for stuff like that - but let me just say one thing. god's passionate about people, eternity, and the oppressed. [zach hunter said that. he's brilliant and basically me in another persons body.] you want god's heart?

get compassion.

tagged : about a boy, compassion, and yelling.

song lyrics : the hardest part - coldplay.

2008-07-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

the fragile keep secrets, gathered in pockets,
and they'll sell them for nothing:
a cheap watch
or locket.
that kind of gold washes off.

i'm in love with details. i'm worried that i will never be in a successful relationship, ever. i am terrified of most social situations but i dont act like it. i feel like i put too much effort into my friendships, and none of it shows. all of you people who do things to fit in, i think you're pathetic. i usually go through phases where i push away the people that mean most to me. i have a lot of problems that no one will ever know about. old habits are very difficult to break. i want love. i don't deserve you. at all. oh, i really hate birds. i am awkward and clumsy. i fall down a lot. i never know what to say. i don't know why i'm writing this. it's monday, i should be having fun instead. i spend too much time on my hair. i can't tell annoying people how annoying they are because i'm afriad that i'll hurt their feelings. i think about my past a lot and it makes me feel worthless. i am always the second choice, if i am a choice at all. i hate shoes. absolutely hate them. despise them. wish i didn't have to wear them ever. i really don't care who reads this. nope. not at all. just needed to get it out.

tagged : nonsense.
song lyrics : arienette - bright eyes.

2008-07-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

I CANNOT DROWN

OUT THIS RADIO.

you are here. reading my blog. i am here. writing this blog. but when you are reading this, i more than likely will not be writing it. because that might be slightly odd, along with slightly creeper-like of you. and you don't want to be a creeper, now do you? didn't think so when you ask most people, they don't say right out that they want to be a creeper - unless you're one of my insane friends who like to say that to make me glare at them.

but creepers is not really what this blog is about. i really don't know what this blog is about, actually. so we'll see. it'll be about a lot of random things, more than likely, but i'll try to narrow down the scope of it to a few key points. hopefully. yeah. i've been in sort of a rambling mood lately, so we'll see what happens here...

so, when i was at nationals two weeks ago, the opening night, there was this ort of crazy actor guy who did a monologe. i'm not going to go into detail for the simple reason i don't feel like it, but the point of his monologe (which i'm sure i'm misspelling, but spell check? nah, that would mean opening word which eats my computer) was that YOU ARE HERE. where? wherever you happen to be. and wherever you are, god sees you. oh, oh, cliche, right? you knew that. you knew god sees you wherever. but you know what? god sees you. do you see him? oh so often we forget about god. both extremely and not. we forget that he can see all. and we forget to look for him. look for him in the little things. that's a challenge. tell me how you've seen god today, yesterday, last week.

moving on...

possesive boys annoy me beyond belief. i don't really have this problem at the moment, seeing as i don't have a boyfriend, but one of my best friends boyfriend is so possesive of her. and freakishly obsessed. okay, so maybe freakishly isn't the right word, cause it's not creepy. it's just irritating. i don't need to hear how she's more important than band practice. i don't need to hear how much time you spend texting her. and i REALLY don't need to hear how you came to my theatre performance but didn't really come to support me - you came to look at her the whole time. that's just not cool.

next topic, please.

okay, i don't like when people act all holier than thou. no one likes that. oh, you know what one of those people who act like that told me the other day? well, quick background on this person - they're on the youth pastor search committee thing with me. we were reviewing one of the guys that we had out for a face to face interview. he had spoken to the middle school youth group a few nights before. i am a staff for the middle school, so i go every week and mentor this cool kids. three of the adults from the search committee decide to come to the middle school night, AFTER i said that was not a good idea because it made the middle schoolers feel awkward. but no one listens to me during meetings, but i digress... so we were talking about this guys lession. and this one lady from our committee has the NERVE to say that this guy used too much scripture and it was too deep for the middle school kids.

wait, what?

TOO MUCH scripture?

wow, shocker here. i didn't even know that was possible. enlighten me, someone, on how that's possible. just tell me how a bible teacher can use too much scripture in a lesson. no really, i'm serious about wanting to know. and another thing i'd like someone to inform me of, is how the bible is too deep for middle schoolers when kindergarteners are learning it?

so there you have it. my rants and rambles of the day.

tagged : seeing god, possesive boyfriends, and too much scripture.

2008-07-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

WHERE DID I

GO WRONG?

yeah. let me tell you. i thought the easiest days of this whole search committee thing were ahead. i thought the hardest part was done. i thought we were going to get a new youth pastor within two months. and then i get an email.

both mike and justin have taken other jobs.

and i get to start this wonder of process all freaking over again. the process that has been going on since april. the process that is freaking replacing one of my best friends.

let me break it down for you. so we post an ad on some website requesting a youth pastor. they send us an email. we send them a questionarre. they send us a resume and our questionarre, filled out and ready to go. we then get the joy of reading through every. freaking. resume. and. every. freaking. questionarre. and then we wait until the cut off date which is usually about two months and we choose our favorites. and then we call them. and then we bring two or three in to meet the committee and then they get to candidate if we like them enough.

we offered mike the candidating position.

he turned it down for another church.

sure, this may not seem like such a huge process. but it is. it's exhausting, emotionally and mentally. it's awful. i hate it. i hate it so much. and i hate that we have to start again. i don't know how much more i can take of this. i don't know how much more i can deal with before i break down. before i put up my white flag in surrender. i've debated that a lot in the past few hours since i got that email.

it's not like this is such a hard process for every church, either. it's the combination of the way our committee leader takes his sweet time doing things and how hard our church has been hit in the past six months. again, i hate it. we've gone through a lot and it's completely exhausting. especially being a middle school volunteer staff. i feel like i have to keep up my game face for them - tell them it's gonna be okay. but they're cool with it - they're middle schoolers. they don't even know what's going on most of the time. and apparently i'm a 'leader' in my youth group. that the other students look to me. so i've been told to stay strong.

how can i do that when i feel like everything is swirling around me? i don't want to feel fake - but they don't want me to show my real thoughts right now. so i won't.

i'll put up my white flag.

cause i'm done.

tagged : surrender.
song lyrics : over my head - the fray.

2008-07-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

SCREAMING OUT MY LUNGS
JUST TO REACH YOU TONIGHT.

some days i don't really know what i'm doing. it's like i'm just going, going, going, and i don't know when i'm going to stop. or if it will ever stop. or, what if this feeling stops and i still go full force ahead, trying my hardest, only to be crushed flat against the proverbial wall? or what if someone or something takes away this dream that i've got - and i have no clue what i'm going to do with my life? not that i don't have my doubts and worries. because, honestly? what if i have a family or something? missionaries don't make enough money for that! what if i meet an amazing guy who doesn't share the same dream as i have? what am i supposed to do then?

oh don't get me wrong. this is the most fun i've ever had. i'm young right? i believe this is what is commonly referred to as the american dream and i think some people go their whole lives without even knowing anything close to it. i'm miles away from any place i could call home; i'm not even sure that concept exists anywhere other than in my mind and with the people i value most. i can't remember the last time i slept for more than four hours at a time. most days don't seem to begin or end anymore. but really, i'm not complaining too much. apart from being deadly tired, it's not doing to much bad to me - i guess. i'm up reading about God mostly, so... yeah. it's not bad.

but more than that, i feel sort of like i've hit this high. this spiritual high and it's just so amazing. different than any other conference i've been to - coming home, in part. usually that whole conference high wears off after a day and a half - approximately. but not with this one. it's like the speakers gave me so much to go over and the music met me where i was at that it's not gonna just go away like the others. which is nice, i'm not gonna lie. it's a good feeling - unlike anything i have ever felt before.

and in the spirit of any other conference, of course there will always be the friends and enemies. i guess life wouldn't be much without cat fights and people you've come to love in such a short space of time. it feels like summer camp if anything, but without the scary councillors that wanted to talk to me. but life is like that lately. you get the ones that just want to make friends with all the kids with the contacts, or the kids with the chemicals. your ex-crush and his best friend who you think your good friend might be in love with, but you know if you say anything you run the risk of getting your heart broken, and i guess no one’s ever really ready for that. i know i’m still not; not really.

and then there are the people that you meet and connect with so quickly. the kind of people that you can just sit with on a bench outside of your hotel and feel completely at peace not talking or anything. those are the kind of people that just stick with you - the kind you can't wait until you get a chance to talk to them again. those kind of people always sort of leave me in a state of awe. i guess it's because i've only met about three of those people and i'm still in wonder how it happens that you just hit it off right away. but it's a good sort of being in awe, i suppose. no, i know it is a good sort of being in awe. i know it.

i really don't know why i wrote this blog, maybe just because i had nothing better to do. maybe because i just felt like writing. i think it was because i needed to get everything out in one place, though. there might have been better ways to say it, better ways to write it, and i'm sure there were better words to describe what i've been feeling - but honestly? i don't care. it's all good, in my opinion. i wrote what i needed to, and that's all that really matters at this moment in time.

tagged : rushing, spiritual highs, and glances.

song lyrics : walking by - the holiday parade.

2008-06-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

MEXICO.

REVISITED.

Mexico. One of my favorite topics. And at the moment, one of the hardest topics to talk about. Why? Because I might not be able to go down again this year. Anyways, we won't dwell on that right now. I just got a letter from IFM, the organization we're going down to Mexico with. And they asked a few questions to those who went on the outreach. I'll post a few of them and my answers...

Do you have a greater sensitivity of heart for the unloved? Oh my goodness, yes, yes, yes, yes. Can I even describe it? I don't know. All I know is God has impassioned me even more by going to Juarez. I went with a hard heart the first time, and came home with a soft heart. Last time, I went with a soft heart and came home with a broken heart. Okay, so next time? I might not come back at all. Someone better come and drag me across the border.

Have you been practically impacted in your own faith by observing the faith of your brothers and sisters in Mexico? Oh yes. Their faith is so, so real. So genuine, because they have nothing else to put faith into, other than God. And at Agua Viva, those men were so stinking off key, but they sounded like angels because you could see their faith.

Is there at least one Mexican person you met on the outreach that still lingers in your heart? ONE? How about like ten? Lluvia, the little girl from the colonia who said we were friends and clung to me. Monica, the darling girl from Hogar de Ninos who insisted on reading to me. Christian, my boy from Hogar who was so shy the first day but opened up the second day completely to me. Manuel, my little gangster from Hogar who clung to my leg and tried to get out with me. And my domino playing brother from Agua Viva who I don't know the name of. And that was just the first trip. The second time? Manuel, the amazing pastor who blessed me more than he could ever know. His daughter, Jade, who was my stalker magnet. David at Jehova Provera and his smile. Josue, the little devil child from the orphanage who was a sweetheart to me. Karla and her loudness. Genesis and her sweet spirit, who would rather just hold hands than run around. Berenice and her attachment to me. They'll all stay with me.

Let's not get into how much I miss them.

tagged : mexico.

2008-06-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Watching Every Heartbreak

Through A Television Screen,
I Want To Break

The Glass and Learn To Need.

This intoxicating feeling. I don't want it to leave. I'm on a high that I just can't stop riding, but I don't want to fall. I'm scared to fall. Over all I'm thrilled with life here. Yet, somewhere I know that the bittersweet truth is hiding beneath this wave that I'm riding on. Right now, I'm riding so high. I'm not sure on what exactly. Well, of course I know. Never in my life did I think I'd let myself ever get taken to this sort of place in this sort of a way. I want to taste it, smell it, feel it. I'm seeing the world like I've never known it before. Somehow the colors are brighter, somehow everything is so much clearer, yet so blurred.

For once in my life it feels as though nothing can go wrong, but I know that this isn't the answer. It's never the answer. I'm scared. Shaking at the thought of it. What if this is completely wrong? What if I'm just what I'm pretending I'm not when I brush that blush over my cheek? What if I'm just trying to run away from the truth once again, it's all worked out up until now, so why not keep doing it. I've thought things would be easier if I changed who it is I am on the outside. I could blend in with a new crowd, invent an entirely different me. Yet, how far am I willing to go just to try to escape from my fears.

You know, I don't think I've ever actually been more content than I am now. This is a big confession coming from me, especially because I'm listening to Gilmore Girls and eating a bowl of cornflakes, and I've broken another pair of sunglasses and it's just struck me that people's birthdays are ridiculously close and I haven't done any shopping. Nor do I know how I'm spending the weekend, other than meeting with a youth pastor candidate. I may be self-confessed ruler of all things geek-like, but putting me in a dress and making me hand out plates of caviar does not improve things.

Anyway, my point is that looking back on matters since September...I think things have got better without even meaning to. I'm totally in love with this album, and well. It's amazing. It's more than that. It's incredible. It's the best freaking thing I've ever heard, even if I am kind of biased. In all seriousness, even if he wasn't the object of my random affections I'd buy it. And now I'm the girl that thousands of teenagers that would quite happily tread over my corpse to be in the same place, hahaha. No, not really. I don't know where he gets it from, but I'm so proud of him. I sound like his mother or something now. Though in fairness if he goes somewhere cool, they could like. Detect nerdiness on him, as passed on by me. I wouldn't want him to have to be a nerd too.

Though thinking about it, I'm Queen of the Nerds. Well. I guess I'm not as insecure anymore and that means the world to me. I remember not so long ago, I hated getting attached to people. I'm so used to disappointment, even when it can't be avoided. Part of me thought I'd get that with him. And as this journal is purely for the benefit of future generations to come (though I could be the last, who knows) I'm not afraid to say I'm happy. I'm finally happy, with everything.

I know I'm never going to be the deepest thinker in the world, but if there's anything life's taught me it's when to recognise a good thing. I love, and am loved, and I have friends, even if they are a bunch of idiots sometimes. A few in particular.

I fear that this is as good as I am. I'm scared if I tell him my fear he'll just shake his head in disbelief. I'm scared that this'll all come crashing down on top of my head. But it's out of my control. And I know that. From here on out, we're in God's hands.

tagged : intoxicated.

2008-06-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say

i have a hard time remembering when i was not in the general state of mind that i am in now. no, i am not talking about the whole previous blog state of mind. no, i am talking about the state of mind i usually am in. that is, change the world, please. it was a year from today that this whole mindset started. a year. it seems like yesterday...

it seems like yesterday that i first watched invisible children. it seems like yesterday that i decided to do something about it. it seems like yesterday that i sat down with john and ron and had an impromptu 'fix the world' meeting. it seems like yesterday that john asked me these exact words:

"what is it that makes your heart ache for some random child who is over ten thousand miles away from you at this very moment?"

and it seems like yesterday that i answered him with:

"a combination of god, seeing his face in the children's faces, knowing that we will never have to deal with that here, and a fire for setting the world right."

it turned out to be just that. within a month, i had completely fallen in love with uganda. my love for it inspired someone to book a ugandan children's choir to come perform at our church. and i got one of the spots to host two little girls at my house.

and then i was asked to come in front of the missions board at my church and spill my heart. haha, wow. that was scary. being the only teen in the room with a whole bunch of adults staring at you.... wow. just slightly unnerving. but i got through it.

next in my adventure came my first concert attempt. october 5. i was so freaking spazzed out about it. and we ended up only really having people from our youth group there. we raised only about $200 that night, and then got $100 from someone, and another $200 from someone else. so five hundred all together for invisible children, not bad.

i began to plan my next show for december 14 when god threw a curve in. he decided to send me to mexico. i went kicking and well, complaining loudly. the bus ride, for me, was spent with my phone in my hands, and my mp3 in my ears, staring out the window. i did not want to go to mexico. but god knew i needed to.

i went with a hard heart, and came home with a soft heart.

surprise! i wanted to go back the moment i came home. i had fallen so in love with the children there.

the concert went fabulously, over $600 that night. thanks to everfound, fight the good fight, and noahdition, of course. yay for invisible children!

i headed back to juarez in april for two weeks. i won't go into detail on this, read a few blog posts down about my time there.

the week i got back was my third concert. after completely forgetting to tell anyone what invisible children was, a band that was extremely late, two five hour energy shots that wore off in ten minutes, and amazing bands later, we raised about $350 for invisible children.

i want to change the world.
i do.
i just don't know if i'm doing it right.

tagged : saving the world !

song lyrics : over my head - starfield.

2008-05-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

silence helps the killer.

never the victims.

2008-05-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm finding everything I'll ever need
By giving up gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity
Right here at Your feet
Where I wanna be
I am Yours
juarez, mexico
Fellowship Bible
IFM 2008

I watched New Mexico roll by with the sound of the Desperation Band streaming through my headphones. I had my purple Mexican blanket covering my legs and in the reflection of the window, I could see all of the strangers behind me. And to be honest, it shook me a bit. I didn't know how I was going to last a week with all of these characters. Within ten minutes of meeting them, I could see their personalities, even though I couldn't put names to most of the faces. Sure, I knew the names, because we had spent about half hour memorizing the names and who goes with what family. But then we met them and the names all just left me. And then the noise level. It was so loud in that bus that even my mp3 player couldn't drown it out. I didn't know what I got myself into.

It was my first time jr. staffing with IFM. I was so extremely exhausted, seeing as I was down in Juarez just the week before. I was second guessing God bringing me back down, especially seeing as I was on that same road two days before in a different bus. And it was such an interesting journey to get to that bus ride. I could say it started back in November, but it didn't. It started in September of 2007. When my parents told me I was going with them to Mexico in November. I dug my heels in. No way was I going to Mexico. I was an Africa girl, thank you. There was no reason for me to go to Mexico. I wasn't being called there, I wasn't going. Here's some advice. Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans and then see what He has in store. He will hit you with a 2-by-4 quicker than you can say 'I messed it up... again'. Long story short, I fell in love with the people (namely the children) of Juarez and began counting the days until I came down again.

And then we got the next trip in April. Our family point-person-ed it, and we had a heck of a ride to get to the outreach. IFM ended up calling us the Gideon team, because God kept cutting down our numbers to the perfect amount - sixteen. Which is about ten under the amount they usually had going on outreaches. And we were planning on going to two new places that no other outreach had ever been. I was sort of nervous about it.

We left for Colorado on Friday morning, and arrived back in Longmont about eleven, only to leave again on Sunday. It's sort of an amusing story how I got to come down on that Sunday for another outreach. The Thursday before we left for the Gideon team outreach, we had our training. Jessica and Emily Hites, our training leader Linsey, and I were all talking about the outreach that was following ours and how they were doing the EXACT same things that our outreach was going to be doing, with the exception of one thing - they had one more day than we did, so they were doing a Bible club at the church next to the orphanage. And feeding 300 children hotdogs. This brought on the discussion of how they needed more junior staff. Jessica looked at me. Emily raised her eyebrows at me. Linsey stared at me until I said "what?" and then Linsey chuckled. "Isn't Gideon going to be your second outreach?" I nodded. "Wanna jr. staff the next outreach?" Yes, yes, yes, and yes! I agreed and that's how I found myself on that second bus ride. There were three of us who had been on the previous outreach who were going down; Kathy - our team leader, Ellie - another junior staff, and myself. Jessica and Emily were meeting us at the House of Cornelius in Fabens.

Kathy told us to think of this outreach as the second half of the Gideon outreach. Don't let down. Keep going on the same energy that kept you going last week. It wasn't going to be easy. But we all said, hey, let the joy of the Lord be our strength. And we saw that during the week.

Monday was a joyful reunion with Manuel's family. The week before, when we left their church, Kathy wasn't sure if we were going to go back to that church during the Fellowship Bible outreach. There was a church closer to the red light district that might have worked. But it didn't work out. We didn't know that, last week, though, so we had said our goodbyes. Seeing the joy on Josue and Jade's faces was irreplaceable.

Tuesday. Wow. Even now, I ask God 'why me? why would i, of all people, have the privelige of seeing you work so mightily in that church?' It was beautiful. We had over three hundred people at the Bible club. (how do we know that? we count people by how many hot dogs we serve...) And Manuel led worship. Breathtaking. It was so breathtaking just watching the people worship. I don't think there was anyone who was on the last outreach (Jess, Emily, Ellie, Kathy, Jose Luis&his wife Cristina, Valentine, Kendra, Andy [staff at HoC]) who was dry-eyed at that point. I don't even know how to describe it. We had the privelige of praying with so many people who accepted Christ. After the Bible club, we headed upstairs to pray over the pastors. Pastor Conrado's father was diagnosed with stomach cancer three days before we got there for the second half of the outreach. So we prayed over him and his family, and then he wanted to pray over someone on our team who has really bad eyesight. I'm sure I've said it before, but I freaking adore Mexican prayer. Everyone speaks at once. In different languages. You can just sense the Holy Spirit. After that, I knew what was coming.

Saying goodbye to Manuel and his family. Now, I'm an emotional person. You probably know that. But I don't like to cry in public. I avoid it at all costs. And I do very well at avoiding it. How I avoided it on Tuesday was not looking at Manuel. And then Kathy decided that she wanted a select few of us to pray over his family. Waterworks, thank you. I think between Manuel, Ellie, Anna (yay for sympathy criers...!!), and I, you could have filled a small lake. Okay, maybe not that much, but still. But it wasn't like I was sad, as I was expecting. I don't even know how to describe them. Except they were the Lord's tears. And then Kathy came up to me and told me she had the ministry money to give to Manuel from last week's outreach. I had the privelige of giving it to him. I don't know when, but God isn't finished with the connection between that family and me.

Wednesday was more delicious food and astounding worship with Brother Ray's, and we got to be there for the Christening of Ernestina's twin baby girls. Our November team threw the baby shower for her.

Thursday was a special day. I was not originally assigned to go into Mexico (all jr. staff stay back one day and make supper for the team), but the team was having sac dinner that day, so Tarah (kitchen manager) let me go in. I was/am so thankful. Once arriving at the orphanage, I headed inside and all of the sudden, I heard a little boy squeal and bolt over to me. I turned to see my little friend Josue (not the same Josue that was at the church.). The kids there are so irresistable. We took the kids to a park in Juarez. The girls rode over there on the bus with us. We played for about four hours straight at the park. And then the boys got to ride on the bus with us. We gave them candy, and Josue fell asleep and stuck his sucker on my face. But he's cute, so that made up for it(: saying goodbye was hard, because of the fact we were going to be right next door the next day. Social Services in Juarez does not let the orphans interact with the street kids, so they were not able to come to the Bible club the next day.

So, we didn't tell them we were coming. The next day, though, they saw our bus when we drove up and went to the chain link fence and called for us. We got a break between setting up for the hot dog feeding, and so a few of us went over to the fence. Karla and Genesis were sticking their hands out so I took their hands and was talking to them in my broken Spanish. And then Josue came out. We had to leave to go back to the Bible club and Genesis was trying to get over the fence, and they were all crying for us to come back. It was totally and utterly heart breaking. And we served 500+ hot dogs in an hour and a half. It was gross. I don't care to ever see a hot dog again in my life. Anyways, and then the jr staff went to the Bible club after cleaning up. They had tried to explain sharks and minnows, but it turned into all of us 'americanos' chasing the kids around in circles. The coolest part of that was when a Tarahumara girl came up to me and just held my hand. The Tarahumara Indians are a group of people that are poorer than the Mexicans. The Mexicans even look down on them. And they are so, so shy. But this girl just came up to me. Kathy and Jose Luis stared at me with their mouths open when I carried her over to them. It was actually rather entertaining.

And with that, the Mexican part of our outreach was finished. But there are some things that I failed to mention, because they didn't fit.
The first is a funny little story sort of thing, that, if you want to know funny stories, be sure to ask me about. It was my first time jr. staffing. Ever. It was Jose Luis' first time leading a team and staying at the House of Cornelius. Ever. And guess what? They put us to cleaning and closing down the campus together. Alone. So entertaining, especially since I can't really understand him because of his heavy Mexican accent.

The second happened on Thursday and Friday of the second week. Thursday night, my friend Anna and I wrote a song about all of the women in Juarez who have been murdered. Most of these girls are 12-20 years in age, and the poorest of poor. They don't know who has been doing it, but they have found over four hundred bodies of girls in the last eight years. And on the telephone poles, there are black crosses with pink backgrounds. One for every girl that they have found. While Anna and I were writing, there were four lines that we felt needed to be in the song, who cares about the rest of it. Those lines were 'justification is all we need', 'don't let her walk away because love can save', 'even though the scars won't fade, Jesus can take her pain away', and 'just ten miles, a hundred crosses'. We wrote music and everything for it in about half hour. The next day at the church, Kathy was talking to this American man who is very rich, Christian, and sponsered the building of the orphanage. She turns to Anna and I and was like 'you two girls, over here, now.' Turns out this man is the man who started putting those same crosses up that inspired us to write that song. He started that. And he said three things while talking to us. You know what those three things that stuck out to us were? 'justification is all we need', 'don't let her walk away because love can save,' and 'even though the scars won't fade, Jesus can take her pain away'. WOW, right? And then, we were talking to Emily, and she counted 100 crosses in 10 miles on Monday. God is doing something big.

tagged : juarez and fellowship bible team.
song lyrics : foreverandeveretc. - david crowder* band.

2008-04-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

praising God of open skies.

every thing breathing.

praising God.

juarez part one.

Gideon Team
ifm 2008

the first day, I remembered why I fell in love with this city in the first place. The people. Within ten minutes of being at our destination, the Nazarene church downtown Juarez, I saw someone I knew. That someone was the pastor at the church we went to in November. Within fifteen minutes, his daughter Jade had designated me as her 'American mama.' (and yes, she actually called me that.) You know, when the kids down there latch on to one specific person? It's amazing and I love it. And then came the street evangelism. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was about that. As outgoing and bubbly as I usually am, street evangelism just isn't my thing. It never has been. So there I was, standing on a random street corner in Juarez, tying balloons for any random kids that walked by. And then Pastor Manuel ran up and wanted three of us to follow him. So Shan, Amber, and I trailed after him. Funny story. He doesn't speak English. We don't speak Spanish. Just imagine that for a minute. Anyways, we ran down a few blocks to try to catch a school that was just getting out. Jade and Manuel's son, Josue, who is two, decided to tag along with us, also.

After that escapade, we headed back to the church for the hot-dog feeding. I was planning on helping serve, but the musicians had to go practice, or so I was told. I headed upstairs to the sanctuary area with my guitar and began setting up. Manuel came up, also, and got on the drums and started rocking out, motioning for me to play along. So we improv'd. For about ten minutes straight. And then I started playing Blessed Be the Name and he immediatly realized what I was playing and began to play along with me and sing in his language. It was possibly my tiptop worship experience. Ever. After our jam session, we had the actual Bible club, which is just like a VBS, but we have mens and womens groups as well as children's groups.

Tuesday was basically the same as Monday, with the exception of us praying a blessing over the church as we left.

Wednesday was a day that anyone who has been on an IFM trip looked forward to. And what is that? Brother Ray's feeding center. We came into the church service and I was reminded of God's absolute presence in that place. Their worship is just so real, and you can tell that even if you can't understand the words. They did play an IFM favorite, though, and that is La Montana! It gets everyone dancing, even my dad... shocking, I know. And then Jose Luis (our translator/team leader) preached, but I went outside to hang with the kiddos at that point. After the service is done, we served the people lunch. And after we served the people, we got to eat some delicious Mexican food! Sopapillas... delicious, let me tell you! And off to the indoor market after that.

Thursday brought us to an orphanage that is actually a stones throw away from Manuel's church in the colonia we went to in November. The kids at the orphanage we pretty much amazing. I fell in love with them. We just hung around with them all day, and then some of us went around inviting people to the Bible club the next week. Shan, Jose Luis, Amber, Danielle, and I had the privilege of watching a man come to Christ that day.

tagged : juarez and the gideon team.

song lyrics : open skies - david crowder* band.

2008-04-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

We're on the top of the world,
here tonight.
We've got alot of time
and it sure feels right.
Cause I'm up here running behind you.
I'm up here running in repeat.

This blog is going to be sort of random – scattered. If you don't understand what I'm saying, I'm extremely sorry. It's basically just what's happening in my life at the moment.

So basically, Meet Me in St. Louis has been controlling my life for the past two weeks. Starting the Saturday before Easter Sunday, we had tech week. Saturday was boring beyond belief, we really did not do very much except for dance the banjo over and over and over and over and... well, you get the basic idea. And then came Monday. We ran through the first act of the musical and basically were very bored. cuervo and i attacked some people with water guns and then hid them in prophecy and devotion. We also hijacked the enemies water guns and initiated a new member into IHH. Montez is not a full on IHH member, but she's in there. You could say she's still in initiation. overall, Monday was a good day for IHH. Tuesday was equally as boring, kthanks. we didn't do anything new, except i was nearly molested by emily, johanna, melissa, and jill because they were like petting my dress because it's poofy. but heather saved me. Wednesday was also boring except for i almost died because nelicia felt the need to try to be cruel to me... no further comments on that matter. if you'd like to know, ask.

Thursday was opening night. it went very well, i do say. no major mishaps, except luke called kelly rose even though her name is esther. awkward. cuervo and i again squirted people, including the crazy for you cast while they were rehearsing, my friends leah and beth, and the intermission people. great fun. and then we thought we were going to be caught by marianne but alas we were not. Friday went well also. lots of dancing in the dressing room and i was informed that emily and josh groban will make beautiful children. i have no doubt. Saturday was a disaster, i thought. we didn't have our percussionist, ben, so i felt we were off. kelly forgot words to a song, which threw the rest of us off... just not a good night for us. and then tuesday we had a pickup rehearsal. baha, let me tell you – pickup rehearsals are the lamest things ever invented. because you have just come down from performing in front of an audience which is extremely exhilarating, and then bam, no audience. it's boring, long, and you get hungry in the middle of it... and then Friday we had a morning performance and marianne hated my hair again so we had to change it and gracie and i ended up missing the trolley song. and then to marianne's house for lunch, cookiecooke contests, bets about gracie and matty, laying on the couch, feeling awkward. and then to performance. and then the next night was closing night... mixed feelings.. Tuesday was the cast part-ay and we had last ihh meeting with cookiecookie but without montez and alonso.

apart from meet me in st. louis, one of the other things that keep me busy besides school is going to mexico. we're heading down there on april 13 for a week. i'm totally stoked. we're doing something new that no other outreach has done – that is, work with the street children from the red light district. now, i don't know the whole background on this – but i'm willing to bet that these kids will be hurting. and we're also going to a brand new colonia and to the feeding center downtown juarez. i've been busy getting a skit ready and some music. oh the joy of being a team leader. it's exhausting. but i'm stoked to go down and hang with the kids. cause the kids in juarez are the coolest kids ever – besides the kids from africa. and i just got asked to be a junior staff for the trip after ours... so JUAREZ FOR TWO WEEKS!! oh yeah! i'm so excited!!!

on that note, i'm going to africa next summer!! i'm really excited. i'll be heading to the democratic republic of congo. but that's all the details i have at the moment.

on the mood of africa, i've been busy planning the next invisible children benefit show for may 2. details are not coming together as quickly as the last two shows' have, so i'm sort of stressing about that. but oh well, it'll be fine in the end!

tagged : the ihh , africa , concert planning , and stressing.

song lyrics : top of the world - the juliana theory

2008-03-08T20:13:00.001-08:00

hope has no color.

2008-03-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

live simply.
so others can simply live.

2008-03-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

too late

baby, there's no turning around

check out my hands in my pockets

and my head in the clouds

this is more than likely going to be sort of a weird post. why? because it's 1:01 am and i'm waiting for degrassi to come on. yeah, i'm just that lame. i'll admit it. i like degrassi. a lot. lame lame lame, i can hear you now. but really am i one of those people who look like they care? no, i didn't think so. and if you can't tell, i'm not using capitalization [english gurus, don't die of hatred, please.] i just am rambling and what's the point at 1:03 in the morning? seriously. my point is proven. anyways, life is life. it's had it's ups and downs this past week, but oh well. things happen, people get mad, people get annoying, yada yada yada. in a more sad note - i haven't been keeping up with american idol as much as i used to this season. it's actually pretty sad, considering that i'm like the most obnoxious idol fan [or i used to be] and i used to write insane recaps of it... but, i'm just so stinking busy. not to mention the one guy i liked a lot, coltan berry, was voted off first week of hollywood. america is dumb when it comes to idol. sheesh, seriously coltan = amazing. anyways, i hope to get back into it. top twelve starts next week.

i had friday night live practice tonight. apparently i'm doing a skit during you raise me up. it'll be a good one. i get to get fake tears. it's insane. luke's jesus, so yeah, and he raises me up. if you go to my church, you'll just have to wait until the last sunday in april to see what i mean. if you don't go to my church, you should come just for that, because it'll be fabulous, heyya. but other than that it was a fun night. it always tends to be. julie's a hoot. she's insane. i love her though? yeah. a lot. for suree. band is taking a break, which was extremely needed. we were getting down and none of us really felt like we wanted to practice. so i'm happy we have a break. it'll give us time to recooperate and get our hearts right before diving in to our schedule again. we're playing for the church on may 25. that's also the date we're hoping to do the 'everything' by lifehouse skit. it should be a good day.

let's see what else, what else? hmm. can't really think of much else... i'll be back ~~tomorrow~~today and write some more random things. make sure you listen to my tunes while you're reading. and listen to the acoustic hero/heroine by boys like girls. i'm in love with it. and listen to 'walking by' by something corporate. bee-you-tee-full. four words.

tagged : american idol , friday night live , and worship.

song lyrics : hero/heroine - boys like girls.

2008-03-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.

*micah.five.eight.

2008-02-29T12:27:00.000-08:00

there goes my hero.

watch him as he goes.

there goes my hero.

he's ordinary.

Do we know the definition of a hero?

Without looking in the dictionary?

I have three [actually like four, but hey.] definitions of a hero.

You don't have to read it, it doesn't matter to me.

Well, here I go.

Tara-

The girl who likes ice cream - possibly more than I do, even. The girl has been with me for about let's see eight or so years, and we know basically about everything about each other, and we have been with each other through so much crap. I don't know how to repay her for being there, or how I can honestly say thank you in the best way I can without messing it up. Here I go. Tara, if you read this, thank you.

Lay me down six feet under
Make me dream and wonder
Angels have nothing on my soul
Devils have made me cold.
You take my hand lead me up there
This adventure for us to share.

London-

Oh man. He's the person I seem to clash with the most, but whenever I see him I know why we're friends. He's always willing to put a smile on my face, and he always can. You stand up strong and people bring you down, but it doesn't stop you from cracking a smile. What can I say London? I'm going to miss you way to much.

Your smile rips through mine.
I'm trying to go through hide seek
Trying to actually not be found.
But then you're there
Telling me that it'll all be okay.
Promise.

Nikita and Yan-

I don't know them all that well, but still. When I met them, I was getting out of a funk. And then I heard their song 'Chains of Steel' and it hit me. It was just what I needed at that moment. And really, we're all from Colorado and we met in South Dakota. How freaking strange is that? It's not a coincedance. I think it was just what God wanted for that moment. On a more personal level - Yan can make me smile. Nikita's heart inspires me. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but know.

Cause the sunshine is never compared to your smile,
Let's do this and keep it fair.
Your words spill over the speakers
And I take a breath.

tagged : heroes
song lyrics : my hero - the foo fighters

2008-02-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

the stereo sings our song.
we don't hesitate to sing along.

Okay. I said I would write about the other night. And I will. Just not in so many words. I don’t even know where this blog is going to go or what I’m saying right now, but we’ll see what happens. All of my thoughts are rushing around in my head. I just need to get all of them out. I want to blur them together and make them smooth. Right now they sort of feel like sharp, jagged rocks slashing at my head. No joke. Ah, well, what can you do? Anyways.

He’s intoxicating. Just being around him I get a rush. It’s like his whole nature and air that he has about him can make my day go from drab to freaking amazing in a matter of seconds. It’s ridiculous. Yeah, I’ve liked other boys in the past, but this is different. Before, I liked them because of the attention I got from them. But now, it’s so much different. We don’t have to be around each other constantly. It’s nice. Just to know the other is around seems to be good enough. And we can have an intelligent conversation without flirting and joking around every few minutes. I love that. He meets all of my standards to a T, and I have to admit that I’ve lowered my standards in the past. But now, with my new and complete standards, he meets all of them. I’ve been comparing almost every guy I meet to these standards and no one can quite measure up like he can. No, I’m not saying he’s perfect and that I see no flaws in him. I can. But flaws are good. He’s human, I’m human. The only perfect person is Jesus, and he’s not Jesus. But I’m letting God take this where He will. I’ve learned that as a human, trying to take a hold and control of relationships is not a good plan. It will only end up in hurt.

That’s all I’ve got for now. More later, I’m sure.

tagged : boys.

song lyrics : inevitable - anberlin.

2008-02-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

Everybody sing
Like it's the last song you will ever sing.
Everybody live
Like it's the last time you will ever life.

How do we know? How do we know when our time will end and we will be pulled from this life into eternity? In short, we don't. Only God knows that and it's not for us to know. If we were to know, God would have told us. He tells us things we need to know. The other stuff that we don't know? God obviously didn't think we needed to know that. And He knows best.

But the point is, we don't know when our lives are going to end. So what should we do about that. Easy answer, live each day to it's fullest. No, I'm not saying you should go an bungee jump off a cliff. I'm not saying that you should jet set around the world, see all you can see. I'm not even saying that you should fall in love as often as possible to have a great experience with your time on Earth. But what I'm also not saying is those things are bad. [With the exception of the love thing. But that's another topic for another blog.]

Well, if that's not living life to the fullest, what is? This too, in my eyes, is another easy. Living life to the fullest is acting on God's plan for you. God's plan for you. Not your plan for you. Should I say it again? God's plan for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Got it? Okay, let's continue. How should we do that? First things first.

Die. Don't get it? That's okay, I didn't either at first. But when I say we must die to follow God's plan, I don't mean physically die. What I mean by dying here is that we must die to ourselves. Take the Lord's Prayer. Do I need to recite it? Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. STOP!!! What did that say? Your kingdom come. God’s kingdom come. Not ours. So in order for God’s kingdom to come, OUR kingdom needs to go. What? We’re not kings. We don’t have kingdoms. What I mean is our wills, desires, plans, everything needs to go. Leave. Adios, plans. God’s plans have control now. Completely surrender to God’s plans.

Okay, so we’ve done that. Now what? Go. Just go. Don’t hesitate. Don’t doubt. I personally have been smacked on the head with a two-by-four when I got through the dying and got to the going. And let me tell you, it’s unpleasant in every form of the word. And don’t go with a ‘i think i know better’ mindset. That’s what got me. I went to Mexico with an attitude of ‘fine. I’ll go, God, but let me tell you, you’re making a big mistake.’ I was positive I was not being called to Mexico, and if I wasn’t being called, I shouldn’t be going. Oh man, did I ever get hit with that. So, just GO! Be strong in God’s word and in daily/hourly contact with Him about what’s going on!

Okay. So you’ve died and you’ve gone. What comes next? This is the living life to it’s fullest part. But you’ve got to use it wisely. Use your God-given spiritual gift. I admit I don’t know much about spiritual gifts, so we won’t get into that. I don’t even know what mine is called – so I’ll describe it as best I can think to. Loving on people. Compassion. Orphan work. Okay, so maybe the last one was my calling, but it all works. The point here is if your gift is exhortation, don’t go out and try to speak in tongues. Okay, so maybe that’s a little drastic. If your gift is exhortation, don’t go out and try to be a preacher. That’s someone else’s job. You can’t complain about ‘well, Mary is a good preacher teacher, why can’t I be that too?’. Because God designed you to be who he wanted to be. He didn’t design you to be Mary. Unless your name is Mary.

That’s living life the fullest. So are you ready for your assignment?

Die.
Go.
Live.

tagged : die , go , and live.
song lyrics : born for this - paramore

2008-02-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

Cross my t's and dot my i's
Better say hello
Didn't say goodbye
I'll write 'Sincerely yours" and sign my name
~~P.S. I love you~~

We remind people of two awkward middle schoolers, apparently. It's how we will stare at anything but the other person during a lull in the conversation. It's how we can't seem to break eye contact any other time. It's how we both have pathetic social skills. But it's alright with me. I'd take being around him and being sort of awkward than not being around him at all. So this is all okay with me. Now we get into the part of what I like about him. This could take a little bit - so I won't go into extreme detail. I see that relieved smile. Wipe it off your face and be prepared.

He's a musician. And an amazing one at that. He's sweet. Very good at giving compliments, but I won't go into the detail of that and how I felt because that itself would be a whole post. He's affectionate, but not over the top, in my opinion. Which is extremely nice. His laugh sets the room on fire. His smile will do the same.

And before everyone stops reading because I start going on about how that lock of hair falls over his eyes at the perfect angle when he sings falsetto, I'll tell you what the absolute best part about this boy is.

He loves Jesus.

tagged : boys who love Jesus.
song lyrics : ps i love you - the all american rejects

2008-02-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

my picks of the ~~week~~moment.

band;anberlin

everyone has to admit at some point in their life that stephen christian is a visciously brilliant lyricist.

song;now and for always

it's from my favorite musical at the moment. lord of the rings onstage.

AND.

anyone else but you

i have yet to see juno, but michael cera and ellen page's cover of this is so adorable.

book;this lullaby

by sarah dessen. dexter is so adorable.. like perfect.

movie;amazing grace.

thomas freaking clarkson is my other half. if he was not born in the 1700s we would be soul mates.

tv show;project runway

seriously, who doesn't love christian and how fierce he is. ferosh forever.

quote;your hair is like a flock of goats, will you go out with me?

from the book until tomorrow. hurrah for christy and todd!

2008-02-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

Landing on a runway in ~~Chicago~~El Paso
And I'm grounding all my dreams
of ever really seeing ~~California~~the colonia
Because I know what's in between.

i had to stop myself and think last night. as we were driving home from working on my sister's house in greeley, it was around nine o'clock and obviously, it was dark. i had my mp3 player on and i was calmly listening to the song 'looking out' by luke crumb, a friend of mine. the line 'this one last prayer that i'm praying, know that i'm still waiting for you' played and i looked out the window, only to catch my breath and feel a sort of homesickness. it took me a few moments of blinking and questioning what it was before i realized that where we were on the road, we could see the lights of the surrounding cities. what it reminded me of was the first time i saw juarez.

it was about eleven thirty at night and i was so dead tired. and to tell you the truth, i did not want to be there on that trip. my parents were making me go. i was stubborn, i complained, i dragged my feet. i told them that i never had a heart for mexico. they said i had to go, so i finally went. there really was nothing i could do. so i went with a hard heart, preparing myself to have an awful time and never go back. and really, it was ande's thing. i didn't want to intrude. oh, the lame excuses we come up with. anyways, our team leader, kathy, told everyone to look to the left. i did and saw an endless expanse of twinkling gold lights. 'that's juarez' she said. that was the first time i saw the place that captured part of my heart.

as i look back on my feelings that night, i can't believe how far i came in two days of being in jaurez. sure, the first day, sunday, was still awkward, and i was still sort of 'i really don't want to be here'. my heart was opened a crack when we were at the colonia [village.] for the first time, and i saw the hearts of the mexican people in juarez. they have such real, genuine faith there. they depend on God for everything, because they simply don't have anything else. but i still wasn't convinced that God knew what he was doing when he sent me there. yeah, what a smart thought. the second day was the day that really shook me. it was the day i met the kids. namely, one little girl. let's start at the beginning of when i met her. we made little prayer journals/books with the kids. this one little nina came up and sat next to me and said something – but i, being the great spanish speaker i am, didn't know what she was saying. so i shrugged and then she took off my name tag and wrote my name next to hers, drew a heart, and said 'kristina y lluvia amigas.' for the rest of the day she wouldn't let me out of her sight until she had to go home. these kids. oh man, after meeting lluvia and some of the other children, i knew God had me right where he wanted me. i felt stupid to try to defy that.

fast forward to the present day. i'm missing her more than ever. missing the people. missing the orphans at hogar de ninos. missing jenny. missing them all. missing the food. missing all of it. everything. and i can't wait until april when i get to go back. it'll be a homecoming.

tagged : mexico.
song lyrics : a jazzed up version of homesick at space camp - fall out boy

2008-01-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

sorry, too busy

you're writing your tragedy.

first, on labels.

okay, probably some of you guys know my huge deal with labels. and you say "oh yeah they are stupid i'm unlabeled" but have you ever taken into consideration why they are so pointless? first of all, nobody fits into any sort of stereotype, because you're always gonna be different from the "emo" kid standing next to you. there are no two people on this earth that are exactly alike. either way you slice it, you can't put one person into the skinnyjean-wearing, screamo-listening, hair-dying, myspaceing stereotype of a scene kid. plus if you insist you don't label, don't go around hating on the "preps." all you want is for people to stop hating on you for what you're trying to be anyways. if you always whine about people calling you a emo, then face it. you want to be one, and you're bragging about how well you're doing at it. and stop trying to be what people consider the stereotype scene kid, too. then you're pretty much labeling yourself. and that only earns you the title of a "fake."

which i also think is stupid.

if you don't believe in labels, you don't believe in fakes. because there is no fake unless there is a label. stop hating on people because their favorite stores at the mall are hot topic and hollister. they're not fakes, they're just trying to be themselves. and if you find them so, then you're labeling them, buddy. you must also take into consideration that some people need to get into some sort of mold so they can find themselves. there are some individuals on this earth that don't know who they are yet, so they find mommy copycat and try to do everything she does. once they discover they don't like what that one is doing, they go off to the next. until the glorious day when they wake up and have a self-finding epiphany. you can't be so rough on people trying to find themselves. they're just clueless and immature. give them a chance to grow into their own body.

tagged : labels
song lyrics : let go - frou frou

2008-01-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

if I could take one thing back i would write

the perfect song for you

and if the chords progress

the way i mapped them out

they will wipe your tears away

and all your doubts

cause it's always been for you

every mountain scaled for you

I’m killing myself pretending now

uncertainty was a blessing

i would love to be corny and tell him how the fact he can basically turn my whole day from horrible to good; that i actually look forward to seeing him and that it kills me to see him with another girl. I wish i could explain how, if he’s hurt. I would take down the universe to stop his tears. In short i wish i could find the words to say that in plain fact he’s amazing and any idiot who’s says otherwise better take their argument up with me. i wish i could tell him i loved him properly

i wish i had a way with words;

but wishing never got anyone anywhere did it now.

tagged : words.
song lyrics : resounding - say anything

2007-12-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

i wish it was me

you chose `

maybe we; we're never meant to be.

my only love sprung from my only hate.

Love is the be-all and end-all. Love will tear us apart, I imagine. Maybe that's what scares me the most. Putting my heart into anything and being left caring about someone more than they care about me. I have never been truly heartbroken and I have no desire to be. I've spent so much time and effort trying not to fall for him, and now it might not have even been worth it. In the immortal words of that poet Akon, 'nobody wanna see us together'. My friends think...actually they think he'd be good for me. And I don't know what I am anymore. I'm tired and I don't want to be like this because trying not to like people drains the life out of you and I just have so much else I could be concentrating on right now, rather than trying to make one person's life a memory in my head.

There are a thousand other girls who do it just like me and they're prettier and smarter and more scene and less materialistic and less bratty and they can sing and they know more about music and they probably find Feist annoying. And yet I don't want him with them; I don't want him with anyone but I keep pushing him away from me in my mind. And I'm not going to play that game anymore. I don't know.

And I'll be hated if I come out and say 'Hey guys, actually I just have massive issues with relationships and trusting people. I've actually fallen for him, my bad'. Because I don't deserve him. Pretty little scenegirls with all the hair and piercings that shop in thrift stores and listen to Hawthorne Heights and UnderOATH are more suited to a boy like that. And it kills me because I think I've just realised he's really, quite lovely. And I'm so confused because I can't help but think I'm going to do something I regret either way I go.

tagged : trust.
song lyrics : correct, elvis ain't dead - scouting for girls

2007-12-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

we were hoping for

some romance `
all we found was disappointment.

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

I am used to dealing with idiots so I know one when I see one. This place is full of them, it really is. The kids only in it for the perks, the talented little brats that are just far too lazy, and then the ones that probably don't even know how they're doing it. Even I don't know how he's doing it anymore. And he keeps coming back, and he doesn't give up and he has this way of looking at me like he knows that I don't hate him half as much as I say I do, yet at the same time he can't possibly think that. Everyone loves him and yet I'm stuck in this constant battle with him; I can't even remember what we're fighting about. It just wouldn't be right not to carry on. And part of me wants to give him a chance; just to see what he'd do if I gave him one. Because I act like I want him to leave, and yet there's this part of me that thinks he might be the only person that pays me any proper attention in the group of friends I'm in.

But I'm so scared of what could happen if I gave him anything other than a sharp poke in the eye and a slap round the jaw. I wish I knew why this was; why I've got this crippling fear of letting anyone ...well. I don't know why I won't give him a chance. I guess I'm scared of what that could lead to. It's easier for me to hate someone because they irritate me than for me to be upset because someone has let me down. And I wouldn't hate him, because I would expect it. That's the problem. I'd only hate myself for letting him try. And if he doesn't let me down, then where do we go? I don't want to be disappointed. I've never had that in the past; maybe that's my problem. All I know is, I'm finding it harder and harder to hate him just because he's a little arrogant and sort of immature, and that was always enough reason in the past. But the idea of disappointment scares me so much, it's not giving me a choice right now. And I'm worried if I keep on at this, he's going to snap and he really will hate me. I am amazed he doesn't already. I really am. But the thing is, I don't really like him how I used to.

tagged : idiots.
song lyrics : flux - bloc party

2007-12-15T11:23:00.000-08:00

she just wanders around,
unaffected by the winter winds
she'll pretend that she's somewhere else, so far and clear, about 2000 miles from here..

listening to a death cab cd and eating a bowl of ben and jerry's, feeling extremely happy because of the way the show went last night. we raised over six hundred dollars for the invisible children and it was a blast doing it. sure, it had its ups, it had it's downs, but overall? it was good.

the downside? well, there was a sort of "blowout" between me and the guitarist of my band. it was ridiculous and i honestly thought i was going to be out of the band in two seconds. it was sort of scary, but it ended okay. it's still going to be a little awkward, i think, but hopefully.. i don't know. honestly i'm still trying to decide some stuff with that band. it's not like my other band is any worse. no, actually, we're better. we know that. oh well.

i'm cold, and i need to change the dvd because i'm sure watching as much simple life as i have in the past twenty four hours has numbed my brain into a state of comatose. i'm going to find hairspray and steal someone's comforter. this is what being in a band is all about. do a show, then crash. actually, i'll write later after i find the movie and some substance-like food.

tagged : invisible children, band blowouts, and comforters.
song lyrics : taylor - jack johnson

2007-12-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about today and the shootings in Colorado Springs and Arvada. [New Life Church and YWAM]. Life today in 2007 is so hard. As teens, we have pressures for everything. Sex, money, drugs, alcohol, and self-esteem. I'll say it, I have temptations too. I'm a human. But life is so sacred, guys. It's a precious gift from God, and who are we to decide when our gift is done? Or other peoples for that matter? It's like when people commit suicide, they're going into God's plans and cutting it short! Like it says in Psalm 139, he has all of our days planned out. We're just humans. We have no right to that. Life is so messed up nowadays, and so many people look at the world through rose-colored glasses.

This also ties in to how I felt in Mexico. When I went down there, I was expecting poverty. Yeah, Mexico, you think poverty usually, right? Well, I wasn't prepared for that kind of poverty at the colonia we went to visit and have the Bible club at. People lived in cardboard shacks. Cardboard shacks! The church there was one concrete wall and then a whole bunch of plywood and cardboard and sheets! And at the orphanage, the kids only get one meal a day, if that! How can we be here in America and not do anything about that! No, we ignore it! How can we do that with a clear conscience?

Think of the kids in Northern Uganda. They have to run to a large city and sleep in the corridors of a hospital every night to avoid being kidnapped and forced to join an army. In that army, they fight men twice their size and they are forced to kill and abduct other children! These children lose their sense of values as they become something they are afraid of! How can we just sit back and let these kids who are under age eight have this thrust upon them, while kids here who are the same age are off buying iPODs and complaining because their cell phone ran out of minutes? These children need us. It's the LEAST we can do.

My challenge to you all – make a difference. Sure, that's cliché. I know it is. But if everyone who reads this blog actually tries to change the world – it might happen. No, scratch that, it will happen.

My eyes try to trick me, make me think that the world I'm seeing is bright and beautiful. I know that these are just colors my eyes are seeing. Pretty soon, they're all that I'm seeing. They're better than the actual surroundings that disappear behind the colors that are a gift from this world that I'm in and the ruler of this world. The world is looking better around me. So bright, so colorful, yet I'm not feeling so good. I close my eyes whilst supporting my head with my hand. All I know is that a time the world around me is looking bright. I close my eyes and lowered my head. At a time the world was looking bright and I couldn't enjoy it. I could see the world now for what it really was. And I was able to stand against it. United, because we were okay with His hands. (c) 2007 KJ